Tags, my life, and other stuff

I screwed up

Hello lovelies, how's your day going? Tell me in the comments. I hope its better than mine right now.

So this past school year in eighth grade I dated someone. I've talked about him before, but that was a chapter I deleted. I'm calling him Nico. He is transgender and aesexual, so he was born in a females body. He has anxiety.

He asked me out a bit after school started, maybe a month. It was 11:53 pm exactly. I remember because I had picked up my phone to check the time the moment that he texted. He asked me if I wanted to hang out with him like on a date and I spent 2 minutes in shock just watching the time on my phone change. This was the first time someone ever asked me out. I asked myself 'do you feel that way about this person?' and the answer was no but I thought maybe I could because to be honest I didn't know, and I was confused.

The whole relationship I had just been questioning if I really even felt this way about him. I thought I might eventually but I didn't. I referred it only a month after I said yes. Things were nice but I felt like I was leading him on because I really didn't feel this way for him. The relationship ended up being awkward because we were both to shy to just let it happen and get closer. I didn't know what he was comfortable with and I was still confused on what aesexual even met.

One sleepover with nicole(another one of my friends), about 3 months after me and Nico had gotten together I told Nicole how id been feeling. She said it would be the best thing to end it. So she told me either in person or over text. I chose text. I immediately regretted it. I realized he probably thought I did it over text because he didn't matter much to me and he wasn't important. To be honest I was just so much of a sh*ty coward that I couldn't tell him in person because he meant so much to me and I couldn't bear to see his broken face.

Its been sp long since it happened. He even made a joke about it. And we had some time in art club where it was only us and we talked normally and with ease.

Today he was doing tbhs on snapchat and I asked for one. All he said was 'to be honest I don't even know what I think of you anymore. You left me broken.' and I just want to cry. I'm at upward bound and i cant cry here. I don't want people asking me whats wrong. I don't want to have to answer them I just want to stop hurting him. I just want to stop the past me from say9ing yes. because when i said yes i said sure and if it doesn't work out we can still be friends and I just wanted things to be able to go back to the way they used to if we broke up.Its all my fault that He got hurt. All I responded to him with was 'I know it doesn't fix sh*t but I need you to know it hurts like f*ck and I'm sorry.' I just wish I could do something.

But anyway, have a lovely day. Luv you guys, buy.
~Love, Elena