And Faith Took Me Away...

Author's Note, I guess.

One year. One very long year. It is now April 30th, 2012. Tomorrow with be the one year mark of her death. I can already hear plans to "Wear purple tomorrow!" and I see sad smiles. It's terrible. Heartbreaking. I don't know what will happen tommorrow. 

I miss her. I know we all do, really. But I can't hep but wonder, what if she was here? Would things still be the same?

Things have changed so much...

Right now my throat is burning. It means I'm holding back tears as I write this. I realize this probably won't be good, because my head is pounding, my hands are shaking and I have a load of homework weighing on my shoulders. But I want to write this. Get something off my chest, I guess. 

Were there signs? I don't know. I feel like a terrible friend. I couldn't even see my friend was struggling...

People keep telling me to let go. Let go? LET GO??? No. I can't. Letting go, that's like giving up... No. That is not going to happen... 

Kayla was my rock. I went to her for everything. Things I couldn't tell my other friends... No, they'd judge me. How could we lose her? So young. She'll never turn fourteen, or fifteen, or sixteen. She never made it out of middle school. And now I'm hearing that a seventh grader in Kasson committed sucicide. Poor kid... 

So I sit here, and I wonder all these things. And then, I get angry and I want to know, What was so bad you had to leave? How could you do that? To your family? To your friends? To me? Because I needed you! I needed you, and you weren't there. You weren't there... 

I look outside and I see a world that is bad and polluted and that's what I want to see. Because maybe then there is someone to force this blame onto. But no. All there is, is good. It's a bautiful day outside and somehow that make it even worse! It should storm! It should storm so hard the house will shake. And I'll shake too. Not for the storm or the house. No! For you. Because these emotions and tears that everyone will cry are for you. And the sobs will ring out throughout the school. Everyone will know what day it is. And in some other school in some other state the day will be perfectly normal. Oh how I wish tomorrow would be normal...

There is not a day that passes that I don't think about you. Not. One. Day.

And then suddenly I'm anger again, but this time not at you, but at myself. "Stupid. Stupid. Stupid." The word is repeated again and again and I pace back and forth wonder ing how I could not have seen your sturggling. 

I've met your basketball team. Kiana, Cass, Mckenna, Abbi, Ashely. They're the main ones I know... They're great really. And girls, if you're reading this right now, you guys are some of the strongest people I know. 

My hands have stopped shaking, my head stopped pounding, and that mountain of homework looks more like an anthill. But the burning and the heartache is still there. Somehow I feel as if it will never stop. Somehow I'll find away to move past this. Not let go. No, never let go. Never forget.

There's a lot of people in this world. But Kayla, there's only one of you.