And Faith Took Me Away...

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

This chapter was supposed to be the funeral, but I realized I didn’t want to remember that and have to relive that again.  I decided to talk about how my life has changed.

I know some of you wanted me to talk more about Kayla in this book, and I am sorry for not talking more about her, but this was never supposed to be a crowd pleaser.

When Kayla died, I needed some way of coping, of putting my thoughts in order and being able to comprehend. I don’t have much experience with death, hardly any in fact. So this was all new to me. I love to write. It’s a good way to but your thoughts in order. I started with a letter. It was a letter to Kayla, telling her how much I miss her and how much I can’t wait to see her again. I was rambling on and on about nothing really, how I had seen her momma yesterday and how I knew she could hear my song for her.

I used to want something terrible or tragic to happen to me, just so I could have so excitement in my life. I’ve realized now, that life isn’t meant to be perfect, exciting, or even hard to cope with. Life is life, and there is nothing you can do to change that.

Death is ugly. It hurts everyone around you and spreads like a disease. Life is now sorted into two parts for me; Before Kayla, and After Kayla. We are all more sensitive now. We used to joke about death and dying, and even suicide. But now we all glare at someone who dares to say anything close.

You have an image, in life, of how things should go. Picture perfect, quiet and quaint. Nice and easy. But you see, you see, that was the problem. Life is anything but perfect. You walk around on the streets hearing all this bad news and thinking, it will never happen to me. You shouldn't let yourself be vulnerable, it only hurts more in the end. Anything can happen to anyone, don't think for a moment that it won't. If someone told me a year ago that she’d leave like that, I’d beat them up. Nothing could happen to ME. No, it'll all be cool.

As I mentioned before, I suck with emotions. I needed to find a way to cope with all of the anger I was feeling. I was angry at God, at Kayla, at the world, at myself, and even at the teachers for not noticing anything. One of my ways of "coping" was to just push down all my own emotions and go help others. I went around comforting people that first day because I didn't know what to do with my own emotions.  Another way was writing. This is probably the better of the two options. And so this story was created.

At first I just thought, What the heck, I'll just post it, maybe it will help some other people. We are all going the same pain, but we all heal in different ways. One of my very good friends, Colin, wrote a rap for Kayla, which in my opinion is way more appropriate for Kayla than some book. so here it is:

When I heard what happened i didn't believe it

Walking through the halls i could eerily hear it

The silence that hung in the air so quiet

It was excruciating to try to easily bear it

All your friends cryin' their eyes out

My heart was being torn about

I never cry a single tear

It's been awhile since i've been that near

I felt like i was losing my mind

It makes me wonder if you were in a bind

to do something like this without a sign

to not even write a single word or line

to tell us why you were so consumed

in thoughts that lead you to your final doom

I wish i could talk to you one last time

to stand with you and say one last rhyme

to see you flash your famous smile

or so we could sit and chill awhile

to see how much you loved your parents

and to witness your crazy basketball elegance

to hear your music pumped up loud

or to tell your mother is always proud

so we can show how much we all miss you

and so we can one day hope to be back beside you.

- Colin J.

            That just speaks volumes to me. We all miss Kayla, she and we probably always will, but Kayla taught us so many things.

She taught us to laugh to our hearts content.

Live life to its fullest potential.

Music makes everything better.

Love is precious.

Life is fragile.

Always have faith.

But most importantly she taught us to smile in the darkest of times.

Kayla was many things, and she still is. Faith is in her name. Love is in her eyes. Laughter is her voice. Music is her soul. Her heart is precious. And no matter what, there is a smile on her face. She truly is an angel.