What If I Say No?

That Awkward Moment

WARNING: This story might hurt clingy people.

The awkward moment when one of your friends becomes overly attached to you and they won't let you have your privacy. This scares me. I hope she won't feel bad when I reject her invites. I'm always making excuses. She always ask why. She loves my presence. She wants me to be with her everyday at her house, to sleep over every night, and even wherever she wants to go somewhere. She always says that she already miss me when I'll go home or when we're apart from each other. I hate it when she wants me to be by her side, literally. I wonder if she will understand me.

Yes, we can be bestfriends, but please accept the fact that there are some aspects in our lives that we're different. She always invites me to bond even she have already friends with her. I'm introvert. Why is it so hard for her to believe? Yes, I can be an outgoing person if I want to, of course, to bond, to have some fun, to go talk and share something, to make time for others. But of course not all the time. I always want to stay at home. It's fun. This is how I feel. I crave space. I'm being pressured to her already. I please her more than I please myself.

You're my bestfriend, but please understand that it doesn't mean that I will allow myself all the time to be with you. Yes, I am there for you if you are down. So you're saying that you're down everyday? You are sad for your entire life? You usually dare to embrace sadness and negativity. I forgive you. I accept you. I respect you as who you are. Even the world judges you I still believe in you. But how about me? How about my feelings? How about my goals to enjoy doing the things I love at home alone? Can't you see? Because this is where I express myself and makes me feel alive. Staying at home. Even when I was a child, I like this. That's why I never get tanned. I have also family so you're not allowed to adopt me. They won't recognize me if I will always stay at someone's home too.

I will also end up broke if I will always go with you. You're ok to spend money for me, but it's not ok for me. I have difficulties being your friend. Can't you feel me? Probably not. Why? You hate it when I say I'm introvert. You will say "YOU ARE NOT AN INTROVERT! STOP IT! YOU FEELER" "YOU'RE NOT INTROVERTED PERSON ANYMORE" "YOU'RE NOT A GOOD GIRL ANYMORE" "STOP IT JEN" -- Wow. It shows that you can't see what I really feel inside, that I am being pressured. You say I'm wrong when I define myself as an introvert. So you know better than I know myself? Stop it. You just want to get my precious time to be with you. You see me as like you. Love being with someone, being with other's home, going to somewhere, spend money and bond. No. I don't love it. I can bond with friends, but not all the time. How many times that I gave my time to you instead of doing something what I want at home? Am I your slave? Am I being exaggerated? But what? You will be upset if I won't go with you. You will feel that I don't love you anymore or you will think that there's something wrong with me.

What can I do? Your anger is exaggerated. You would outburst into chat. I don't know if I'm wrong. Am I being controlled by you, instead of being loved by you, as my bestfriend? What's wrong with me? I should be happy because someone wants me and always chooses me no matter what. Am I being normal? Or maybe I'm being an alien because I just want some space. An alien soul trapped in a human body. I remember before when I'm having a deep depression when I was 16 years old, I was wondering what's the feeling if someone always chooses you and wants you no matter what. But that's not what I mean. You may think it's a wonderful feeling but still, NOT ALL THE TIME. Ohh dear, my anxieties will eat me alive. I don't want it. It makes me sick. This is so severe. 

I hope you will know that I'm not exactly who you really think I am. You want me to be want you want! You don't recognize me as I am. That's not love. That's manipulating. It makes me don't love you. I want to be nice. I don't want to hurt your feelings. You're very sensitive and short-tempered.

I rarely miss my friends. There will still come a time that I will miss them. Yes, because they're my friends, but not always. They're not my boyfriend. But having a boyfriend nor a bestfriend or a friend doesn't mean you should see each other and bond every time. I hope everything will be okay because right now, I'm really not okay.

You always feel empty. Your family always hurts you. You have problems in life (But I have problems too.. And we all have). You think you're defined by your past. That's a false assumption. Don't be afraid. Why not accept the things that you cannot change? Have the courage to change the things you can. And have a wisdom to know the difference. Why not try to help yourself? Why not choose happiness? Why not forgive the people who hurt you? So you won't feel regretful, hurt and burden? Yeah, you're discouraged and sad. You always say you can't but the fact is, you really can. Stop embracing negativity so much. You're destroying yourself. You did attempt suicide before. You are vengeful. You have huge insecurities. But why not accept yourself and accept what you already have? You have everything. You are so beautiful and you're one of the awesome people I met. You are very talented, creative, smart and very good in socializing with people. Please stop being in a competition with anyone and stop responding and stalking to those people who make you feel down, you will never be free. And if you want someone who will cherish you, who will make you feel good, who will accept you and forgive you. YOU ARE ONLY LOOKING FOR YOURSELF. You, yourself is the only best doctor you will ever have. NOT ANYONE, A FRIEND, A BOYFRIEND, A PSYCHIATRIST NOR A TEACHER. Well, I can't blame you if you see your life so miserable. You don't love yourself. You hate a lot of things about you and people. You're not the only one who's hurting. You're not the only one who's fighting a battle. Life is a test. Don't expect that it'll be beautiful all the time.

God is not punishing you. He's just giving you challenges in your life because he wants you to seek him. To pray hard, not to forget him, not to don't trust him, not to destroy yourself and others, not to hate hard, but just to seek him hard and trust him hard. You are lost. Don't find happiness in the worldly things, but to the things unseen. Everything is temporary in this world. Have faith. You have to learn to stand alone. You will just end up sad. You always wonder when you will be happy? When you will be become a protagonist in your life? You already are, Girl. You are amazing.

You can buy what you want, I can't even talk in front of many people but you can. I can't dance and I can't sing like you do. You're so lucky, but you define yourself as sad, a bad girl, always being punished *sigh. If I were you I would actually enjoy my life more than you do. I'm not rich. I'm not that pretty. I'm just a plain human being but I can still enjoy my life and I love my own space.

But what can I do? You won't understand me. I just keep quiet because I hate arguing and I know you'll say that I'm being too judgmental and narrow minded if I will all spill this out. You would say I don't understand your pain. I have no idea what you feel. It's ok to be sad because we're humans. But it's not ok if you would seek happiness to me or to other people. It's not also ok if you're always sad when you have so much reasons to be happy. Enjoy your effing life, please. Don't waste it. And It's really not ok because you're manipulating me. Please give me space, respect my choices and stop being angry if I say no. You hate me when I'm being an introvert and you once called me crazy because I love God so much.

I believe that God always give you signs and he always knocks your door because he have so much grace for you, no matter how worthless and sinful you see yourself. You are precious to God. The deeper the sin, the deeper his mercy is. The only thing you have to do is to accept him and forgive yourself. I wanted to help you. I tried. But in the end, it is still your life, not mine. It's still your choice.

---------------