Ready to Comply: A Bucky Barnes Fanfic

Twenty-Three - And I Will Tell You Mine

It feels like an eternity before they return. I cannot sleep, not with so much on my mind. Wanda checks up on me occasionally, makes me eat and drink just enough for them to feel safe taking my IV out. Mr. Stark and Natasha visit once they hear I'm awake. But I can't focus on any of it. All I can think about is Bucky.

***

Finally, I hear the door open and sit up quickly on my bed - I still cannot even think about standing without getting nauseous - only to find that it's Steve. I settle back down a bit, disappointed. He has a serious look on his face, and doesn't bother with formalities.

"He's outside. I'm allowing you five minutes alone, no more. We'll have the audio turned off, but we will be watching from the cameras in case he tries to hurt you, or either of you have some kind of reaction to the other's presence. If you feel anything is wrong or think you might be having a panic attack, just press this button on the side of your bed here and we'll be here immediately..."

"Okay, sure. Just let him in."

"Sophie, you need to handle this more seriously. We don't know-"

"Steve. Bring. Him. In." I say, trying to keep from snapping at him.

He sighs and gives me a nod, then heads for the door. He opens it an motions for Bucky to come in, then immediately disappears behind the door, closing it hard.

I take a deep breath and try to take in the man standing in front of me. He is wearing clean clothes and seems to have just recently bathed, but his head is low and his shoulders are slumped. I've never seen him look so defeated. Or this tired. His eyes, which are fixed on the cold tile floor, have dark circles around them, and are half shut as if his eyelids are too heavy to stay open. His mouth is contorted in a mixture of pain and grief.

Strangely, I am not afraid. It is as if I have learned to separate the Winter Soldier Bucky from the Real Bucky, after all those long nights of miserable dreams and sudden awakenings when we lived together. My heart rate accelerates slightly, as if a part of me is signaling the fight or flight response, but the rest of me is either too tired or too concerned for Bucky to recognize it.

He doesn't look at me or speak for the first thirty seconds, which pass agonizingly slow. I feel tears stinging my eyes, but I force them not to overflow. But the silence is worse than anything he could have said out loud. I know what it means. It means he's given up completely.

"Bucky..." I finally say. He doesn't move, his eyes still trained on the floor, still standing frustratingly close to the door. I decide to keep talking.

"Look, I know you think I'm mad at you. Or that you're... beyond redemption, because of what happened to me, but... I don't see it like that. I need you to know that. Please just don't shut me out again. Please, Bucky..."

He flinches when my voice cracks at the end, the tears already spilling over. His eyes stay on the ground, but through his curtain of hair I can see his eyebrows furrow. I can't tell if it's anger or sadness, but a few seconds pass before he speaks.

"It didn't just happen to you, Sophie. I did it to you. I took everything that you held dear and ripped it away from you. I nearly killed you. So don't you dare say that it just happened to you."

His voice rose a bit at the end, and it startled me. I waited until my breathing was back to normal before answering.

"Well I don't care. I don't hate you, and I'm certainly not afraid of you. I love you, James. Just as much as I loved you before."

"But you shouldn't. You know you shouldn't. Not after this."

"Why? Because those people took your brain apart and put it back together to make a killing machine? You couldn't control it!"

"I know, but I felt it. Sophie, I remember everything I did to you. I even remember enjoying parts of it. I told you before, I remember all of them. And now my dreams are filled with your screams above everyone else's, and it's hell! I can't do it. I can't stand seeing you anymore."

I was taken aback by this comment. "What are you saying... you don't love me anymore?"

"I can't, Sophie. And you can't love me either. It's not safe. Hell, it's not even healthy. We can't make this work after what happened. You'll never look at me the same, and I can't look at you the same. We're broken. I've ruined you, and there's no taking this one back."

"Is that what you think? That I'm ruined? I'm just damaged goods, used material, now that you've taken my virginity. Is that it?" I'm full on crying now, because I feel so betrayed.

"That's not what I meant. You're not damaged goods but... I ruined what we have. Our first time will always be that time. You'll never be able to erase that memory, and I know I won't. Do you honestly think we can have a normal relationship - physically or emotionally - after that?"

"No." I respond firmly.

I must catch him off guard because finally, finally, he looks up, confusion in his already depressed eyes.

"I don't think we'll have a normal relationship, ever again. But what's normal about this whole situation? About anything we've been through since we met? You're right, we are broken. But..." I took a shaky breath, trying so hard to keep it together as I watched his eyes start to grow distant again, "But I can't imagine putting myself back together with anyone else. And I can't imagine anyone else I would want to help fix other than you. I know you think we're beyond repair, but Buck... don't we owe it to ourselves to at least try?"

He is looking at the floor again, but this time he is taking in what I am saying. He still won't reply though, as if he were frozen there.

"You said you never wanted to leave me, that you couldn't imagine going back to a life on your own, that I was the best thing to happen to you in half a century. Did you mean that?"

At first I think he won't answer, but then he gives a barely noticeable nod.

"Do you still mean that?"

His face looks pained, and he squeezes his eyes shut, but still he nods again.

"Then try. Don't pull away from me again. It hurts me more than any of the physical pain I've been through."

I jump in surprise when he looks up and takes one step closer to the bed, his eyes suddenly overflowing with tears as they meet mine. I am overcome with sadness for him. I've never seen him cry like this.

"I'm just so afraid. More afraid than I've ever been, more than I was when I was in Hydra..."

"Afraid of what?" I say as gently as I can.

"You," his voice is shaking as he says this. "Hurting you. Killing you. It's like every nightmare with you in it is ten times worse than all the others."

He takes another step so that he is right beside the bed, and bends down on one knee so we are at eye level.

"You are the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me, because you are the only one who makes me truly happy, but that only makes me more afraid. I can't even imagine my life without you in it anymore."

His words would sound crazy to someone on the outside, but I understand them completely.

"Then stay," I whisper.

"How do I know I won't hurt you? Or you won't leave me once you fully process what I did to you that night?"

I shake my head in denial, unable to speak, too overcome with emotions. I reach out and wrap my arms around his neck. He hesitantly and very, very carefully wraps his arms around my waist, as if I am made of glass. I cry into his shoulder. We remain like this for several long seconds, each one making me want it to last longer, well aware that our five minutes has long since expired.

"You know what my worst fear is," he whispers into my hair, his arms slightly tightening, clinging to me as if I am the only thing keeping him from falling.

I shake my head just enough for him to feel it.

"Losing you."

I close my eyes and exhale, trying to control the tears, and then I whisper, barely audible, "Me too."