Release: My Public Diary

Noah Fence / Subconscious Self-Hate?

Noah Fence but. . .

I just don't find white boys attractive anymore.

I use to sweat the F*CK outta white boys ,but now, I swear everytime I see one that my friends and my old self would find attractive I just- ew no.

My friend she follows a lot of Instagram accounts where they show "fine" boys, most of the time they show white boys, and she'll show me a picture and ask me if I think he's cute, and I just say no.

But also, when I did sweat white boys, whenever I saw a black boy, I didn't think he was ugly, I just thought he wasn't for me.

And I feel like I was like that because not only did I love One Direction with all my heart at one point but also I went to a predominately Black school and I was always the funny but shy girl. I felt that was something Black boys wouldn't like.

Most of the girls I was friends with always had their hair straightened or in braids and I didn't, my mom isn't the best but she knows how to do hair. She can braid, do a lot of Black Hairstyles.

The main reason I believe I never had my hair like my friends is because I think I subconsciously hated myself. I subconsciously hated being Black.

If you asked me up front I'd say no, I love being Black. When I look back from 1st grade to 6th grade I just remember plenty of times where I attempted to disassociate from my blackness. 

I didn't want my hair braided, I didn't want to be in the sun. Relatives would say I look like my auntie on my dad side I'd get angry. That was when I was like little tho, like 5, 6, 7. So young yet already hating features I'll forever have and people will forever see.

But as I grew older, I wanted to look like my bestfriend. She was dark skin, and just adorable. Everyone liked her and I wanted to be like her. This is like 5th grade so I started telling her how I felt about myself and she told me that I'm cute the way I am.

I couldn't see that at all. 6th grade was when I started realizing that I low-key hated myself specifically my black features.

I'm looking back at everything right now, and although I did not directly  say "I hate being Black"  I look back and see my actions did not prove that.

But also I never wanted to be White. I never wanted white skin, I wanted lighter skin. I didn't want blonde thin hair, I wanted dark longer more loose curls, or even wavey hair. I hated that my hair was poofy.

Today I get complimented on my hair a lot. People ask me how do I get my hair like that  and I tell them the products but they actually mean my texture. I have 3b ish hair. But I hated it so much because it was poofy.

With that I realized I wanted to be more like my mom, which I think most do, right? You want to be like the woman closest to you and that's typically your mom.

I was raised around mainly Black and Latino and/or Hispanic kids my whole life, but I still subconsciously hated myself.

Add to the fact my mom doesn't see me as Black, I am now seeing why I was the way I was back then.

I never slandered Black people being Black nor for how dark they were

But, when I was younger I stayed lathering myself in sunscreen, and didn't want to be in the sun.

Anytime a friend would get their hair done in braids or twist or something, I loved it on their heads

But, when asked by my father if I wanted those hairstyles, I would say no.

My aunt is absolutely gorgeous, dark skin, full afro, she usually wore it out or in braids, she's very beautiful to me

But, when told I look like my aunt I would get upset cause I wanted to look like my aunt as in my mother's sister.

I think I know the reason as to why I was this way, but I want to elaborate on it another day.

So my question for y'all is:

Why do you think some kids are subconsciously Black if they weren't raised directly on slander of Black people?

If you don't understand the question just comment and I'll explain a bit.

Love y'all💕💕💕