Release: My Public Diary

¿¿Happy Where Art Thou??

Y'all ever listen to a song, read a book, or see a picture where you remember being happy?  And now it's just a reminder you're not in that place you used to be?

I sometimes question whether if I was actually happy during those moments, or was I putting on such a good act it had me fooled a year or 2 later.

I hate having to constantly lie to myself everyday. Everyday I feel like I'm missing something. My happiness is always short lived. I hated being asked:

"HoW aRe YoU dEpPrEsSeD¿ yOu SeEm NoRmAl tO mE? "

Coping mechanisms. That's what it is. I can smile, laugh, have fun. At the end of the day I will still feel empty. If I could stop this I WOULD! No one is out here being depressed for fun tf.

Even when I do have fun sometimes it just stops. I was at a friend's birthday party and when she first invited me I was so excited to go. The morning of I wanted to go, but as time got closer I started feeling like no, I don't want to go. But I still went.

Another thing, I don't like ruining people's mood. She can literally tell I wasn't in the mood to be there and I tried to fake. We took pictures, I deadass wish I could rewind, we took pics, she showed them to me and said can she post, and I said "Yeah. Sure."

The way I said it tho omfg. She said "nvm." I felt so bad.

So now if I feel like not going somewhere, I just don't. I don't want to be the drag so I don't go but this has me missing out on so many things.

Some days I feel inspirational, and others I feel like I ain't sh*t. I want to help others but I can't even help myself. Sometimes.

I JUST WISH I CAN STOP HAVING CONSTANT MOOD SWINGS

When I'm in my "regular" mood omg the aftermath of realizing what I did in one of my depressive episodes makes me feel like the worst person.  The best thing I can do is own up to it cause no matter my depression or anxiety issues it doesn't give me a pass to be an ass. (I didn't mean for that to rhyme lol).

Welp, this felt good had to get it off my chest. To my peeps with depression or anxiety you're not alone, this ranting stuff lowkey helps me, maybe it can help you too
💕

Also I want to tell more of my life, but if I do I might delete it so first come first serve I guess...