Poetry of a trying girl.

I should(n't) have.

His voice was almost saddening, the way it shook after every syllable. I didn't have remorse, I cut deeper into him like it was all I could do. I didn't care for his feelings, looking back at it, I probably should(n't) have.

I should have said 'I love you.' They were pretty much the only words I could say at that point, my mind so filled up with poisonous butterflies that just spread love only to rip it from you again. I should have held you closer, but you never liked me close so I tried my best to give you what you wanted, like my heart didn't have a war with itself wondering if I'm fucking doing the right thing. I should have listened more, but that's so hard when all you hear is the nagging negativity of 'you'll never be good enough' that at this point is almost so loud it is deafening and I have found myself living in an oxymoron.

I should have left you sooner. I should have left you when your words started hurting more than falling and scraping my knee, but the pain became a safe place because the blood was the only thing there that left me human. I should have left when your back and your chest was scratched to all hell, but those scratches are as deep as the oceans in my eyes and I hoped you would drown in them. I should have left when I suddenly felt useless, like my self worth is dependent on some empty promise that was made in hush tones, because god forbid anyone hear words of peaceful love.

I felt myself being lost. One day you showered me in love and the next I almost didn't know what the warm air called love felt like, I knew icy cold winter weather. I begged for answers but the more I begged the more I realized the absolute dread and hatred piling up inside of me like a volcano ready to erupt. I suddenly saw everything evil that lies within the darkness of your very eyes.

So as I left you, rendering you speechless for who would have thought I had the guts to do so. I dug my metaphoric knife deeper into your chest and I watched you crumble as I, the only one who let you touch light and get burnt, laughed, and bid a farewell.