Our love is madness...

Chapter 5

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Me:hey mum, can you please bring some clothes for two weeks and I'll tell you the news. love you xxx

I wait for a reply nervously until my phone buzzes.

Mum: okay, I'll be up soon. text me what floor your on. love you xxx.

Sometimes my mum can be a real asshole but I do love her. But sometimes I question that because after 16 years of me being her daughter she can't see I'm hurting. She can't even see my blades which are on my bed side table. That's where I leave them all the time until I use it and then it returns to its home.

I wonder if Matt is the only one that's seen my pain. Probably.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

The voices are back. Depression is like a never ending nightmare. It's like having a monster drag you down all the time. It's hard to do anything with pride. I can't do this anymore. 'this' as being life. I can't go on. Yeah I need to tell someone about it. I'll tell Matt but what if I need professional help?

Seeing a physiologist will probably just make me even more depressed. At least I've got muse.

Matt walks in and sits on his bed.

"You okay?"

"I don't know." I simply reply.

"What do you mean you don't know?" he asks curiously.

Fuck I hate it when people question me.

"The voices are back." I say completely ignoring his last question.

"Oh" he replies and I can feel the tension I'm the air.

Map of the problematique comes on and I start singing bit really giving a fuck anymore.

"Fear and panic in the air, I want to be free from desolation and despair...." I sing but choke up at the ending. I start sobbing. through sobs I sing "loneliness be over, when will this loneliness be over?"

I start crying even louder and Matt sits next to me kind of awkwardly. he hugs me tightly and he starts to cry to. the lyrics 'I can't get it right since I met you' replay in my head. I have never really seemed to get life but when I met Matt I was happy but now I seem to feel lonely again.

It's kind of been awkward ever since he came back from his appointment.

"How did everything go?" I ask wiping my face Matt doing the same.

"Um...Er.....fine." he says pausing in between words.

"Are you sure?"

"No. This May sound weird because we met like two days ago but I've never felt like this towards a girl before but I....um...I think I like you."

He says while twiddling my thumbs.

"I'm glad you came out with it first because I like you too. My feelings for you aren't like 'omg I love you' but more like your cute and funny. because you are. But I thought I did something wrong because it was kinda awkward and....." Before I can finish he kisses me in the cheek and pulls me into a big hug.

"Fuck this feels good." I say not really knowing I said it out loud.

"Sorry, what? By the way, your hair looks Great." he asks almost choking.

"Oh sorry, I um that was a um...." I stop talking before I embarrass myself. I can feel my cheeks burning up. Fuck what if he sees?

Before things can get any worse mum comes in and gives me my clothes.