Nobody Knows

10

gemini

Honestly, I'm suprised that Vester has a friend who isn't me. That's harsh, I'll admit, but I haven't ever seen her with anyone. She started up small talk with some sitting next to her, but that's all. Now look at her, grinning at Hunter, her new friend. I don't want to be jealous, but I can't help it. She opened up to him much quicker than she did with me, and I feel degraded. 

"Oh, we have the first class together, literature.  Thats Mrs Lizzy." Vester informs Hunter, while adding the story of how 'Lizzy Lizard' came to be.

"Oh, Diamond,"A voice sneers behind me, a whisper so that only I can hear, "You look beautiful today, your cheeks are flushed. Any recent blowjobs?"

My cheeks go red, but I ignore Maddy and her obnoxious little gang of maniacs. "Slut." One of her slaves spit, and they all laugh in unison, filling the halls with their wicked sound.

"Gem," Vester furrows her eyebrows as I flinch from her touch, "Are you all right?" I smile forcefully, and she looks in my eyes. I mask my emotions and stare back. The last thing I needed was to for her to know of my occasional yet powerful bullying.

"See you later, Gem." Hunter waves at me. He and Vester engross in conversation yet again; and I am left waiting by locker, drowning myself in my unexplainable turmoil.

"So you're brats left you, huh?" Maddy laughs, appearing next to me.

"In case you haven't noticed, classes started and they went for it." I spit, glaring at Maddy, who just smirked.

"Well yeah. But look at how happy they are together, Diamond. Looks like your lil' friend Autumn doesn't need her lesbian best friend now. I'm suprised she even managed to snatch a boy that hot. She doesn't need you now. You'll just be a third wheel now."

My head feels light now, as I realize how much truth was in her words. Autumn did look really happy, almost like she didn't need me. What are you saying, of course she needs you. I don't know what believe, but I do know I shouldn't listen to Maddy, and trust Autumn. I feel so stupid for questioning Vesters friendship, but I can't help it if Maddy messes with my head.

I remember when we were best friends, we were inseparable. Maddy was there for me and I, her. I trusted her completely, so when I saw her making out with my then boyfriend; the now famous captain of the football team, in the bathroom my heart broke. It was so cliché, to have your friendship ruined by your boyfriend.

Tears started to form in my eyes and Maddys eyes softened, for one fifth of a second, before masking it with hate. Maddy still cared, I knew. She wouldn't care this much to bully me if she didn't. I bet this is her way of revenge for leaving her. Deep down, Maddy Watt was just a little girl hurting, and she knew if she told anyone about how sad she was, her reputation would be destroyed,  like mine.

"You big baby." Maddy grins, and walks away. I'm surprised- it sounded like she meant it in a friendly way. Is that even possible?

*

I skipped school. I cancelled the meet-up with Dan. The rest of the day consisted of locking myself in my room; my dad continuously knocking on my door to make sure I was okay; bawling my eyes out and staring at myself in the mirror. Then repeat. I shouldn't be this affected. I don't know why I am, I can't believe Maddy shook me up this bad. I was never worse, ever.

When I switched on my phone, it blew up with missed calls from Vester. I switched off my phone because I needed a little time alone, and with Autumns multiple questions she'll ask me, I don't think that would be accomplished. 

"Gem?" My dads voice cane from behind the door, "Gemini?"

"Yeah?" My voice came out hoarse and it sounded like I had no voice at all.

"Remember what your therapist said." He muttered, and I heard his footsteps retreating. What did my therapist say? I furrow my eyebrows and think back to four months.

"How are you, Gemini?" She asked, smiling warmly.

"okay, I guess." I muttered, sitting down on the black leather seat next to her.

"How do you feel? Did anything... suprising happen?"

"You can just say triggering, if that's what you mean. Urm... I feel numb. I don't know, I don't have feelings anymore, I guess."

"Of course you have feelings, honey."

"I don't.  Don't tell me I do. "  I snap, glowering at the calm lady.

"Has anyone talked to you?" She questions, looking into my eyes, almost like she's waiting for me to lie.

"Yeah, you and dad."

"I meant-"

"I know what you meant. I'm not talking to anyone."

"Gemini, you're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Masking your emotions. Hiding. That's not going to help, you know."

"What else can I fucking do? If I tell you what I feel, I'll be ranked A-class psycho."

"No, you won't. "

"Well that's what happened to mum! She fucking told you what she felt, she was given meds for her depression and shit, and look at her now. She's fucking dead. She killed herself!"

A sob escaped my lips, and before I could stop, an orchestra of sobs filled my room. Tears were streaming down my cheeks; I felt dead. It was as if all my energy was sucked out by the evil in my mind. It was a never-ending war, and I always lost. Nobody knows this, it's secret. Only my dad and that therapist knows.

My dad's words run through my brain again. The sad memory refreshed my memory; she asked me to write down my feelings, of speaking will make me psycho.

I unlock the little drawer on my bedside table and take out my feelings notebook. Its cover has a thick layer covering it, from not being touched for so long. Opening it, I take a black pen and write. And cry. I don't feel better. I don't think I can ever be better.