Buena Mano Book 1 (Unedited/Unrevised)

I'm O-Ok... Chapter 3.0 The Doll Collector

Chapter 3: The Doll collector

I have always been astonished by the cute things around me. From the toys I see in the toy shop near our house to the dresses my mom designs and wears, I was completely filled with ecstasy. Looking at them, feeling them, and sometimes even, wearing them. But honestly, I'm a guy.

Back then, the toy shop had a porcelain doll of a girl wearing a Victorian style dress. Ample furls and topped off with the cutest hat matching the overall black and white ensemble. Her eyes were blue and it was as if they were looking at me with joy. With her red lips, I sometimes imagine she was calling out to me. Her prince, saving her from that well lit storefront.

But alas, I had no money to buy her. To make things worse, my father is a strict follower of the church. Well, as am I. But would he really buy me that doll without having him think twice about my own, let us say, sexuality. I dare not think of it.

So I resorted to saving up my allowance for that precious doll and after a few days of starving myself to death I raised up enough to buy her. I went in the store and found a young man about my age tending to the customers. Some of which knew me and my father. I waited for them to leave, otherwise they might tell others of what I've bought and would certainly raise a few eyebrows. Including my father.

I looked around the shop just to diffuse any suspicion that may arise. Seemingly looking at the G.I. Joes or some of the toy guns that looked like the ones that were used in Vietnam. We were encouraged by my father to watch the news back in the day and the Vietnam War was the hot topic of newscasters. Anyway, while I was looking at the toys around me I saw a whole table stacked with the cutest porcelain dolls I ever laid my eyes upon. Well, not counting the one I was there to buy.

But these dolls were cheaper and I thought, why not buy some of this first and afterwards I'll save up again and buy my princess. She can wait. And that's what I did. I bought three dolls instead of the one I was planning to get that day. I went home and got to my room. My father was abroad with my mom. They were in Paris for my mom's annual fashion show. I played with them the whole afternoon until it was time for dinner. Man, it was bliss. I named them Lucilla, Rachel, and Clarisse.

It was heaven, purely pleasure seeing those inanimate objects come alive while I play with them. And so I saved up enough money and did the same thing again and again until I had a whole collection of dolls.

If I had laid them down to my room's floor, there would never be enough space for them to just stand. I would literally bar the doors in order to not let my parents know they are here. I loved them. They each had their own style, each with their own personality.

The days were so bright whenever I am alone with them.

The days went on and I got tired. Something crept up inside me. A cold shivering hating eyes covering the whole room intent on destroying them. I quickly forgot the feeling and replaced them with bitterness.

While playing with them, watching them, dressing them I felt empty. Here I was happy with my collection yet I seem to have forgotten why I save my money. Even though they are beautiful, I couldn't see my princess from their unmoving eyes.

"Ronny? Are you there?" my mom called out from the front porch. "Come down and greet your father and me."

I went down and kissed my mom on the cheeks. Said hello to my father but I couldn't get off the questions in my mind, what if my father finds out? What would I tell him to ease him? I already know that I would be sent to a deep dark place in our house his own father built and used for punishment, but is there no other way? Any way to make him understand.

Right then I knew, I had to hide them from anyone who would come between me and my precious dolls. They were my friends. My only friends. My family.

"I should have thought of this sooner." I said to myself as I gently tore off the walls in my closet. It was spacious enough to hold all of my clothes and hide my dolls in the back without anyone else noticing them. I was ecstatic. Again, I played with them all but again I felt empty inside. Like there was still something missing. There I was, 14. All my beloved possessions safe and secured but I seemed to have forgotten something. With all these dolls cluttering up my room from me playing with them, I couldn't muster the courage to buy that doll. My precious doll. My princess.

So I decided to save money to buy that doll from the store. I vowed that I would whisk her away from there and we would live happily together. True to my word, I bought her. I wiped the dust from her beautiful face with my coat. It was part of my school's uniform if you may ask. I started to have mixed feelings about her. I used to visit her often but, because of my other dolls, I neglected to do so. Those eyes that once seemed to say that she was happy to see me were gone. And her lips faded away to seem scorned and sad.

"I'm sorry" I said. As I held her for the first time looking to her glass eyes, a tear fell from my own. I never bothered to check my surroundings that time, for I felt guilt. I betrayed her. I loved her. I never thought someone was watching me. Someone who loved every minute of my dire depression. I placed her inside my bag and went home.

I got home before seven and was surprised to see my dad arguing with my mom. They were shouting so loud, I looked outside our window and found our neighbors out in the streets gossiping. I did not even realize that a lot of them were peering into my room.

That should have alerted me back then. I tried to break them up but they won't quit.

"What's going on?"

"YOU SHOULD KNOW!!! You're the cause of all this" he said. The last thing I saw was his fist hurdling towards my face. He hit me so hard that I fell to my knees. I heard my mother screaming.

"I rather have a child staying up all night in another town playing songs of rebellion than someone like you!" he said. Then I blanked out.

Turns out, he was ridiculed at work and by the community for having a gay son. My mother defended me saying it was just a phase in my life but the damage was done. My father ousted himself from work saying that he couldn't take it. I woke up in the middle of the night in the punishment room. One door. One window. Both of them are locked. A single bulb dangling in the low ceiling only lit a small portion of the room. It was damped and a bit dark. It reeked of death and defeat, both of which I never knew but here I've felt so vividly. The only things keeping me company are the walls and my bag.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. But then I heard a shrill cry. From the small window, I saw my father starting a fire. He was holding something in his hands.

"No!" I shouted as he tossed it to the fire. It was Clarisse. One of my dolls, He found her. He found out where she was and fed her to the fire. I tried to fool myself and thought it was finished but from the corner of my view, I saw a mound.

I couldn't make it out at first due to the darkness. But as my father walked to it and picked something out of it, I knew what they were. One by one, I screamed as he tossed them mercilessly to the raging flames. Tears fell from my eyes as they vanished from existence.

At midnight, I couldn't bear to watch the horrible tortures my beloved dolls endured. My mouth felt sore from all my screaming and my tears were empty. I heard someone laughing. I thought it was my father but it was a girl's voice. It wasn't my mother, I thought. Then I remembered I had my bag.

I begged the lord. "Please be here! Please be here!"

I rummaged through the bag desperately. Finally, I found her. My princess, safe from my father's clutches. I hugged her very dearly as if she was my only reality. I thought for a second that she hugged me back. But I didn't care. As long as my princess was here, nothing mattered. I got back to my senses and stood up. I watched the flames burn brightly as the soul of my dolls were sent to heaven, leaving only their eyes.

"I should have hid them more carefully" I said to my princess as my father burned the last of my precious dolls. I sat beside her and she placed her head against my lap. Maybe she just tipped over, but it seemed that way. I caressed her hair and spoke to her.

"Inever named you yet, have I?"/