Dee Likes Marah

My Parents

My mom... oooh. Don't get me wrong, I love her. She just doesn't fully get it. The whole sexuality thing I mean. Like I get it, I'm her child, and she envisioned my adolescence and teen years to turn out  differently. That doesn't really justify much though. Everybody's different, and fuck that really sucks, dude! I mean B's reaction gave me confidence, so a little of the blame goes on me because not everybody's views are the same. But still, fuck. 

It was Friday, the day after I told B. My family was going out for the weekend, cool sure whatever. But it's what I had done before that. The day before, I got on the bus, and I handed my mom the note that I'd wrote especially for her and dad, my form of coming out. I talked about Nina some, and school stuff. I gotta say though, I really went overboard with the front of the letter, I just wrote," I'm queer, deal with it! Now you know." I was just this rebellious, fed up teenager who didn't give a fuck. That really shines through, doesn't it? 

I was thinking about that all day at school. I could barely focus in class. "Her arms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy..." I'm sorry, but those lyrics are perfect, I had to do it. 

I went to Mr. B's class after lunch, it was B-Day now, so technically I wasn't supposed to be there, but this was an urgent problem, not just a stupid question I could wait 'till tomorrow to ask. This was serious, and my support system was his classroom. I mean what'd you really expect me to do?

I had sad eyes now.. they were still coppery and brown, but all the light was taken out of them. I guess B knew I was sad, 'cause he tried to make a joke out of it. 

"Yo.. Dee. What's going on?" he asked. 

"Nun.. contemplating my decisions. I REALLY messed up this time.. 

"I think you're a little too young for that, wait 'till after college and you should be fine." He was laughing at his own jokes now. Cause I was just staring at the ground.

"Listen... so I just gave my mom a coming out letter, and I dunno how she's gonna take it." My throat was closing in on me and it was getting hard to talk. 

"Why should she take it any sort of way..? I mean people are different, I know. But if you were one of my kids, I would just hug you, and leave you alone, to think about it. Cuz not all decisions are concrete at your age. I'm not saying this isn't... but I mean at least you're thinking about it."

I was really going to cry now, not in front of him though. I wanted to hug him and tell him everything, but he WAS my teacher. That little voice in the back of my head said, No Dee not here. Not now. Don't fuck this up... 

I was so choked up... I remember that feeling of just being confused. I remember thinking, Why can't it just be as simple as this? I guess I'm going to hell.  And I'm gonna be honest, I wished I was his kid from that second on,( for about a week,) it sounded like he had the best upbringing, and values... that I didn't see in my family at the time. 

So I asked. Yes I did. 

"B... am I going to hell?"

I distinctly remember the shocked, surprised look on his face.  He licked his lips. Then chugged a whole bag of Trail-Mix, still looking at me, holding his index finger up, signaling me to wait. 

Fuck. What is he gonna say? Shit... 

"No... well I dunno. But I think you're gonna be okay, I think you're overthinking it. I think you know what the answer is. No."

I was a bit relieved, and a bit sad still. And my face showed it all. 

"Dee, you're overthinking this. You're going to be fine."

"Well I'm glad you think so..." I said confused, and hurt. 

My aide was coming now, time to go back to class. B gave her a thumbs-up and she gave him a thumbs-up back.  They looked at each other the way old friends do, reassuring that they were both aware of the situation. "I figured you'd be here, all chattin' and stuff." Mrs. Rowe said

"This is like you're happiest place on earth," she remarked

"Wait, shouldn't that be Disney or something? And you're the kid who's asking for history one more time, girl, you crazy."

*

A little while later, I got home. I didn't  know what to think, or say. All I could do was breathe. 

The door creaked. And I heard the familiar click of shoes creeping into the doorway, and slowly creeping into my room.. 

And with every step, I anticipated every homophobic insult, and slur that could possibly come out of my mom's mouth. 

Keep breathing, keep breathing. 

"I read your letter..."

Fuck. 

"Okay, um, what did you think?" I said 

My voice was shaking and I was noticeably anxious. 

She just shrugged and said, 

"I support you in whatever you do, but I still believe what I believe."

Then she walked out. It was mostly over. Mostly. 

We went to the Holiday Inn that weekend, and I was daydreaming on the road trip, about what type of girlfriend I would get, how pretty she would be... (because my brain is weird, roll with it) to J Cole's "Higher. " I'm pathetic. 

"What up girl tell me how you been? Haven't seen you since the 12th grade even back then, thought you was a cutie though your booty mad thin, but you done got thicka on a n*gga god-damn."

Haha, so when we got there, I got so bored. I couldn't get in the pool so it was such a drag, being stuck in there all by myself. 

I didn't have a sim-card in my phone so I couldn't contact anyone. But my friends... I missed them. I wanted to be with them. That's what I needed. Friends, those people you make jealous of you when you're on vacation, and the ones you talk to when you pull an all-nighter and stay up with till 1 am. I didn't have any of that right now. 

I gotta change this. Everyone has someone to talk to even though I don't. That pisses me off. 

I didn't even think of the dangers because I was so desperate and lonely. I grabbed my phone, and downloaded ChatGum. 

I met an LGBT spokesperson, and principal, and she had made a support group on a different app. I didn't mind because ChatGum seemed so unfinished, and pedo-y that I wanted to ditch it as soon as it was downloaded. 

So I met my first girlfriend through a chat app. Very fucking smart.

*

The admin set us up. Her name was Crystal and she lived in Oregon. So we'd been talking, and talking. All night, and I mean all night, until like 1 in the morning. 

"Do you like video games? And Greek Mythology?"

"I sure do, Dee. I have like 3 Percy Jackson books."

In my head, I was thinking, Man, this is exactly what my letter to B was talking about!

We'd been "dating" for a couple weeks. So I told my friends, showed them messages, and they just didn't focus on it that much. It may have had a little to do with the fact that they couldn't see her face and see me hold her hand... so I can't really blame them for that.
But like I said... I didn't give a damn back then. Natalie cared a lot though, She helped with dating advice and what to say....
We were in gym that day and she was just smiling and saying how cute and innocent I was acting and stuff. I was stoked, because I was usually the more... uh.... subdued extrovert of the group. This was a big leap for me.

So I clung to Crystal a little more, and tried to focus more on that. It was fun for a little while, having someone that you were "with", it felt good to have someone, if that makes any sense. All my friends had dated before, (like 3 times each,) so it wasn't really significant to them, but it made a big impact on me.