Ava and Addie

Chapter 6

Ava and Addie 15 - Alfonso 19.

The following morning was awkward, at least to me. Alfonso and Ava was trying so hard to make me forgive them. But how can I do it so easily when I have dealt with this for so long? Alfonso sat on one side of me, Ava the other. Since the horrible scene yesterday they have been right beside me.

Alfonso refused to leave us yesterday and slept here, for the first time he actually spend the night in our room and not in the guest room. Mom and dad didn't appreciate us sleeping in the same room, but considering yesterdays events, they agreed that this was the best thing to do. Partly because Alfonso's parents thought so.

Spain was an exception. For us at least. He was supposed to stay in the single bed alone and we - Ava and I should have stayed in the double bed. But that's not how it turned out. And honestly i am unsure if the outcome would have been any different if I hadn't taken the single bed for myself when I was trying to avoid them.

Alfonso took a slice of bread for me, toasted it, put butter on it and even put scrambled eggs on top and added a thick slice of bacon on top of it, the biggest piece there was. Ava made hers herself.

Alfonso studied me closely as i took a bite of it. It felt weird to have him make food for me and for him to look at me like this, with such interest and concern about me liking it. I liked it, but still I had to force myself to smile at him to show him that I liked it. A silent, and awkward thank you from me.

Alfonso noticed my empty glass and quickly filled it up with the orange juice that was placed right beside it. As he had just put the orange juice back on the table, he noticed the apple juice in front of him. He grabbed it and looked at it as if he was deep in thought, he looked worried.

He looked up at me and seemed in a rush, "do you want apple juice instead?" he took my silence as a yes and got up taking my glass with him. I quickly grabbed his shirt, "orange juice is good" I realized i did say thank you, but he didn't seem to mind. He sat down again and started eating.

Ava was talking about their present to Alfonsos dad, a cruise for him and his mom. A very nice present for them i thought.

I had prepared their present for months, it was not just his dads birthday we were celebrating, but also their 25th wedding day.

Over the last few months I had collected pictures of them and created a  collage for them with memories of their relationship from their youth till now. I liked the outcome, but i was very concerned if they would like it.

I even wrote a card to them, i hated writing, mostly because i found it so hard and feared to be made fun of. But the both of them had helped me so much, they deserved it. It was a longer text, not just a thank you. They deserved more than that.

I checked it over a million times making sure it was correct and checking if there wasn't any stupid spelling mistakes. They were my extra set of parents, maybe even closer to me than my own.

My mom and dad never really understood my pain seeing Alfonso and Ava so close. But Alfonso's mom had actually talked to me about it.

She had comforted me saying that he cares about me just as he cares about Ava. I didn't always believe her, and with good reason. But she made me believe I was worthy of their friendship, which meant a lot to me.

Alfonso and Ava were practically starring at me, making me feel super insecure in their presence. "Thanks for breakfast" i grabbed for my plate but Alfonso beat me to it and took it right before me and stood up "let me". Such a gentleman move he pulled. But to be honest I didn't mind.

I left the table not really wanting to be around them anymore. I took my coat before they were coming after me and went outside. I liked to do that. I like being alone and away from them. With them it seems like I am the only one being forgotten. The only one left out. The only one who feels out of place.

I knew Alfonso didn't appriciate me walking by myself, but I didn't really care what he liked and disliked anymore. I think that deep down they had managed to break me.

I wanted to be fixed. I was craving their attention, craving their help, their support. Honestly all i need is them telling me that I was good enough. At least that is what i am telling myself.

I knew the forest by now. This is the same forest it all started in when i was just a kid. 6 years old i think. Coming here from Texas, not knowing the wild nature around. We got lost. Or i managed to get us lost. I am the reason we met Alfonso in the first place.

I clearly remember that day. It was the day that changed everything. Mom and dad, us, me. We all changed that day.

Back then I liked to explore, i wasn't afraid of anything. Ava was the chicken out of the two if us. Ava craved safety, where i on the other hand wanted adventure.

That Addie is gone long ago. That is not who i am anymore, and i think i actually miss her. I miss her as if she was a real person i could hug and talk to.

I thought about that day a lot. The very first time we met Alfonso. I remember being left out for the first time. I am not sure what is reality and what I have from my nightmares. But I have this picture of Alfonso telling me to shut up and then listen to Ava. As I've said, then i am not fully sure that the event actually happened or if i dreamed it. Either way it is an unpleasant image to have imprinted in your brain.

As always it didn't take long for Alfonso and Ava to find me in the woods. Sitting by the lake. As i so often did. It was here i was thinking clearly. It was here I felt at peace.

Alfonso held Ava's hand as he guided her over the fallen oaktree to where i was sitting facing away, into the lake, watching the flow of the water.

I saw them out of the corner of my eye, Ava being picked up and carried by Alfonso avoiding getting dirty. Very typical for her.

Alfonso put Ava down beside me and sat down on the other side of me. He tried to find what I was looking at, but i was so concentrated not to capture his eyes, that i stared into nothing.

"It's beautiful" Alfonso said. It was beautiful, but i felt like he only said it to please me. I kept staring out, it was a stunning view.

It reminded me of myself when i was that Addie. The one who wasn't afraid of anything. The one who wasn't afraid of water, wasn't the third wheel and didn't have any disabilities. She thought she could run the world. What happened to that?

Eventually we had to head back. To be honest i didn't really mind it. It was awkward sitting out there with the two of them. Listening to them trying to make conversation about nothing of importance, when all you should do at that spot was enjoy the moment and nature itself.

I think that was the first night i seriously considered running away. It was that night i started to think of ways to find myself. And only one solution came to mind. Go abroad. But I kept my thoughts a secret knowing how mad Alfonso would be if he were to find out that i was considering leaving them.