burn || bws

chapter thirty eight || "do you want me to fuck him up?"

My head was spinning when I woke up that morning but I wasn't in a bed, I was on the ground and it had been raining so I was covered in mud. I looked around me; I was in the graveyard, more specifically in the middle of my mam and dad's graves. I had some memories of what had happened. I know I was totally gone and couldn't even walk but I also know that I went home with someone. We didn't do anything, thank God. We kissed and I started crying, he basically became my therapist for an hour or so. He told me to stay, just to sober up and then I guess I came here instead.

I knew I would regret every decision I made, I wanted to be with my parents. I stayed for him and he left me, I stayed and he went. I could just end it all, just take a lot of pills and meet my parents again or I could stay and be miserable and wait for him to come back.

Will he even come back? Does he miss me? I miss him, I love him and I want nothing more than him to come back. It hurts so much and I just need him here with me, I need him to take the pain away like he always does. I became so dependent on him, he was my medication and I had to take him daily or I'll go insane or just hurt. Everything felt bad without him, everything seemed grey and I couldn't see any colour. Without him, everything was dull and dark but with him it was like a festival, everything was so bright. 

I fuck everything up, I get scared of everything good in my life and fuck it up; it was my speciality. I didn't purposely mess this up, it wasn't my fault and I want nothing more for him to come back with them fucking roses and a huge smile on his face. Whenever he came over he kissed me and just sat next to me and we talked about anything and everything. Everything was perfect however nothing could stay perfect.

I looked to my side to see my shoes and a half empty bottle of vodka, I opened it and took a swig enjoying the burning it was giving me.

"I love you guys." I whisper before standing up, my voice hoarse and crackly.

I grabbed my shoes and held them in one hand, the vodka in my next and I was taking occasional swigs of it. Dried up mud was in my hair and all over my body, it looked like I was just rolling around it. I had no idea what my face looked like or what I looked like all together, I had an idea and I was dreading looking in the mirror.

I walked barefoot through the streets, receiving funny looks from passers-by and the odd dirty look but I didn't care. I stopped for a second, putting my shoes on the ground and lighting a cigarette. I held my shoes with my index and middle finger and the vodka in my left hand and the cigarette in the left. I was definitely a parents' worse nightmare but that didn't really bother me, I was going to hell anyways so may as well live up to it.

I looked across the street and saw Connor staring at me with furrowed eyebrows, I waved at him with my right hand and he quickly crossed the street. He didn't check for any cars making one have to step on the break and honk his horn, receiving a hacky from Con as he stops in the middle of the road for a second and I laugh lightly.

"I would hug you but you look disgusting." He tells me and I slightly smile but it disappears almost instantly.

"I feel disgusting." I tell him and he scrunches up his nose.

"You also sound disgusting. What happened?" He asks, bringing us to the side of the street so we weren't in anyone's way.

"I think Bradley and I broke up." I say and the words feel like I was swallowing a million razor blades and tears were gathering in my eyes.

Ignoring his previous statement he brings me in for a hug and I hug back tightly, the tears spilling almost as soon as he touched me. Telling someone makes it so much more real, like before it wasn't but now someone else knows and it's a reality. It hurts so much more now, my heart breaking all over again and I can feel every artery ripping.

"He's across the street, Addy. Do you want me to fuck him up? I can totally fuck him up." He whispers in my ear and I grip onto him tighter. "Oh fuck he's coming over."

"Hey man." I hear his voice and it just sets me off more and I have to cover my hand with my mouth. It was hurting so fucking much.

I try to break away but Connor just holds onto me tighter, I just wanted to run away. If I saw his face I have no idea what I'll do, probably have a huge breakdown and shout at him more, shout at him for making me love him.

"Hi, so basically you're going to turn around for a second and I'll perform a magic trick."

"I already know it's her, that's the only reason I came over."

I don't know what I was doing but I turned around and slapped him, I slapped him so hard my hand was stinging and his face had a bright red hand mark on it. Tears fell from my eyes at a rapid pace and Bradley just looked at me, holding his cheek. It was torture looking at him, all the memories from hours ago and all the hurtful words flooding back into my mind. He didn't look like himself and that killed me but also gave me some sort of joy.

"I waited; I waited for you to come back. I was so stupid to think that you loved me enough to come back to me." I tell him and a small tear falls from his eyes, I knew he had so much to say to me but I wasn't going to give him the time of day.

He could say anything, Connor could tell me he loved me and if he was a good enough actor I would probably believe him. I knew it was my fault too and I was acting like it wasn't, how it was all his. It was both of ours but he has to prove it to me first because he shouldn't have left, he should have stayed just like I stayed for him.

"I do love you-"

"Prove it." I tell him, looking deep into his empty eyes. "But words don't mean a thing."