August's Tears

11/30/15

Everyday I realize I can never make people happy.
They go to me with tears and all I can do it smile and tell them that bad times are just times that are bad.
They leave me and go find someone else that they laugh with, and then just leave me in the dark.
People blame me for things that I didn't do, and sometimes I judge people too quickly but can I help that? Maybe...
I'm such a horrible person, and it's so hard to see a bright future for me.
I give a person a chance to regain some sleep, some energy, and have them rest to only be blamed for not waking them up in a hour.
They have worked their ass off the entire day and came home almost falling over because they were so exhausted. Did they have somewhere to go? No. Someone to meet? Only online, and stay up until it's five in the morning.
Maybe I'm just acting like a spoiled brat and not being grateful for who's with me and what I have.
Nowadays it feels like no one is with me, and no one checks up to see if my depression is gone.
No one calls or gets in to contact to see if I want to hang out or go out for a little while, and when I do want to no one else does. It's like I'm some sort of ghost that they know is there, but thinks that they can't do anything.
It hurts a lot.
I'm used to it by now. It's the main reason why no one will miss me when I'm gone.
They don't realize I'm there, so why not make it to see that they know I was once a real person... But day after day, night after night... Each emotion will overwhelm me to the point I either cry myself to sleep, or kill myself.
I want it to be a slow death.
I want to suffer while slowly my soul is being dragged away from my body.
I can't believe they left be out of the hospital for just thinking, oh I'm okay I'm just joking around.
The therapist didn't even make me crack, and all I spewed out was lies.
Depression will always be considered a show to think that you want attention.

"Oh look at you! Look at you crying over a dead cat, how pathetic!"
"But... He was my best friend.."
"Animals can't be best friends, dumbass... Wow. You're stupid enough to have a cat be your friend?!"
"The other kids didn't like me."
"It's no wonder! You're such a fucking freak, no one wants to be friends with you!"

"Say it again! Say. It. Again!"
"Please stop!"
"Don't ever talk shit like that ever again! Do you hear me?!"
"Stop it! Please! I'm begging!"
"Are you going to do it again?!"
"No!"
"Good... Get the fuck up you piece of shit... And if you tell anyone I beat you I will fuck you up. Alright?!"
"Yes..."

Childhood. Traumatizing, lonely, sad, and hopeless.
Oh well... No body was there anyway, so who cares if I was gone. My cat is dead, and I have no other friend to remember me about how I used to be.
I returned back to my apartment with new medication that Mrs. Harvey is monitor me taking. At least she's the only person willing to help me.
For those who are reading this and you know me.
Fuck you, you goddamn bastards... Why the hell did you help me?! You all knew I wasn't acting myself, and what did you all do?! You didn't do anything... And you've all experienced the same sadness I am experiencing! I may not let you in because I'm so scared... I'm scared of everything. I'm paranoid that everyone is judging me every second, and I don't eat in public because of that judgement... I'm tired. I'm sorry...

please don't leave me here alone...

Signing off,
Bonnie Gray