August's Tears

12/1/15

Sometimes people push you away, people lie to you, and things will overwhelm you.
I remember when I was nurse, and before I was able to help with patients I did paper work. At the time I had a knitting hobby, but I stopped because I was overwhelmed. Paper after paper, hand cramp after hand cramp, and blame after blame. I lost a lot of sleep.
I'd say that it was okay, but afterwards I'd leave patients to die.
Why?
I went to go catch on sleep.
I was easily fired but rehired because they could no-longer lose more nurses.
I retired after a while.
Before I was actually happy to start nursing, but when I was offering help to other nurses they yelled at me and pushed me away.
I was given false infromation, and treated as if I am a black sheep.

You'd be surprise how much people pretend to care. I've had that happened to me so many times, but it's different to see another person do it to someone else.
Putting their love first before their friend. A friend who could've really used a hand, and a friend who could've used a hug. Now he's gone. You would've talked him through depression, and may have gotten some advice as well. It's too late now. It's beyond too late. He's gone. Now your regret every minute of your life.

This person spoils you, and you realize that you aren't like this. You didn't like to be spoiled and look at you now. You're staring at your phone trying to be more positive, but look at yourself now. You think you'd have a big house, a loving family, warm friends, and finally be happy. But all you do is cower away, learn to deal with people, and discover that you are utter human garbage.

Christmas and December always brings out the blues in me, so might as well write it down as you carry on with your heavy life. Pretend everything it going well. Pretend your friends are actually interested in you. Pretend your family loves you. You hurt people. You are a waste of time. You don't deserve to be in society.
You are told that you are smart.
You are supportive.
Trustworthy.
Caring.
Kind.
Those are just pity lies. People are sorry for you as they are just trying to make you feel better and see that life is getting better in the worse way.
Whatever.
I don't need people to drive away my loneliness. I need someone like Mrs. Harvey to talk to and take care of me. Not give up on me a few months in.
What am I going to do for Christmas though?

Signing off,
Bonnie Gray