Wicked Game (Dean Ambrose Fan Fic)

Get You Off My Mind

"Thanks for everything Josh."

"You're welcome. I have question for you Ash."

"What's that?"

"Do you still love Jon?"

I looked back at the little bar area in my apartment. The graduation card he gave me and the flowers were still sitting there. In fact the flowers were beyond dead, but I couldn't bring myself to throw them away. I reached up and held the necklace he gave me in my hand. I didn't want to hurt Josh's feelings, but I needed to be honest. I ALWAYS love Jon. It never stops and I never stop thinking about him. I don't really understand what happened in the hospital and why he left, but one day I may be able to talk it out with him. 

"Yes Josh. Every day.  I'm sorry if that hurts you."

"Ashley it stopped hurting me a long time ago. I was only asking because I know you haven't talked to him since the hospital and I was curious why?"

"He left. I don't know why, but he left. I want to talk to him about it, but the fight we had before the accident. The things that Tina and CJ said.  I really don't think he wants me around."

He sighed and lowered his head. He knew something I didn't. I wish everyone would just stop hiding things about Jon from me and tell me as soon as they know. It gets really frustrating and makes me feel like I can't trust anyone. AND when they finally do tell me the information is usually several months old. Like for example right now...my bet is this has something to do with when I was in the hospital...I've been home for 2 months now. 

"Ashley you need to talk to him."

"Tell me something I don't already know."

"Just talk to him please. For me so he can stop acting like a dick to me and you two can fix this complete misunderstanding."

"What misunderstanding?"

He came over and pecked me on the lips and smiled. 

"The never ending misunderstanding between the two of you. The only difference is now I'm stuck in the middle.  So just call him OK?"

I nodded and gave him a hug and he left. Jon knew where to find me if he really wanted me. The same goes for me. The truth is that right now I'm just too focused and busy to worry about Jon. I was in the middle of my school year. I loved my class. I didn't think I'd love teaching the smaller kids that much, but they're so much fun. I probably learn more from them than they do from me. I sat down at my little kitchen table and started working on my social studies lesson plan. I wanted to start teaching them about the American Flag and have them write a story about what they've learned. Correcting papers from 6 year old kids was always entertaining. I pulled out my book and started mapping out the plan, but I became distracted by the card on the bar from Jon. I switched seats at my table so my back was to it. I didn't have time to be distracted. I needed to finish this lesson plan before dinner because after dinner I needed to do my lesson plan for math. I was getting super hungry so I called and ordered a pizza. I continued to work on my stuff, but couldn't keep my mind off of Jon. I hate that this happens to me. Someone wants to talk about him or brings him up and then I get stuck thinking about him all night long. Maybe if I didn't love him so much it wouldn't be so hard to shut him out of my brain. 

I was wondering what Josh meant by being stuck in the middle of this misunderstanding I was not aware of. And what the hell happened at the hospital?  I've been given no explanation about why Jon just up and left me there like that. But when have I ever been able to clearly explain anything when it comes to Jon? Our whole "relationship" over the years has been tumultuous at best. It always ended up with me in tears or storming out over something. Maybe it was me? I shrugged at the thought. It probably was me. I have this weird addictive personality that reared it's ugly head when we originally started seeing each other 3 (almost 4) years ago...my God has it been that long?  Have I really just been sitting here for almost 4 years letting him fuck with my head?  And the worst part is this little game Jon likes to play has rubbed off on me and I've been doing it to Josh for nearly a year now. Fucking with Josh's head has been my way of distracting myself from Jon. I have absolutely no regard for his feelings whatsoever....until it's all said and done. The last thing I want is for Josh to be doing the exact thing that I've been doing this whole time. I didn't want him to sit around and wait for me to make a decision or figure out what I wanted and then come crawling back to him. It's never going to happen...I hate to say it. I love Josh, but the truth is I don't love him nearly as much as Jon or even in the same way. Sure Josh has grown on me quite a bit over the years and he's always been a real sweetheart and always willing to help me, but I think that it's just his way to trying to prove to me that he loves me. I know he does. I keep telling him not to and to stop trying to prove it all of the time, but he does it anyway. He doesn't have to prove it...I have always known I just don't care. I guess that makes me an awful person. 

I turned my attention back to the lesson plan. There! That should do it! I was proud that my minor distraction didn't keep me from finishing up the lesson plan. As a reward I went over to my little iPod dock and turned on some music. I looked at the clock and wondered what the hell happened to my pizza?  I shrugged it off and decided to give it 10-15 more minutes. I heard a knock at the door 

"Just a minute!!"  I yelled while digging through my purse for the cash I needed 

I opened the door super excited for my pizza

"There...."

I think my mouth just hit the floor. It certainly wasn't pizza or the pizza delivery guy at my door. I threw my arms around his neck and squealed like a little girl. 

"Hi to you too" he smiled

I took his hand and pulled him inside my apartment.

"I can't believe you're here.  What are you doing here?  Lets go sit"

I set the cash on the table by the door so when and if that pizza ever showed up I could pay for it.

"Ash...I can't stay. I'm just stopping by to say Hi on my way back home."

"Oh. So you've been in town?  Makes sense then why Josh brought you up.  I was hoping we could talk a little."

He shook his head.  "No, I don't think it's a good idea."

"Why not?  I don't understand..."

"I don't want to cause problems between you and Josh so I just wanted to..."

I stopped him right there. What does he mean me and Josh? There is no me and Josh...there never has been.  Did Josh tell him that?  I swear I have the worst fucking friends on the planet. Everything is a lie and a secret. Why does everyone feel the need to screw with my head all the time?  My god it's a wonder I haven't blown my brains out or something. 

"Jon there is no me and Josh. You know that right?"

"Ashley...I know you love him. I saw it in your eyes at the hospital. I'm not stupid."

"Jon if you think that I love Josh then you ARE stupid. We really need to talk and I won't let you leave until we do"