Wicked Game (Dean Ambrose Fan Fic)

Awkward

"You ready to go Ashley"

"Yeah. Give me one second Tina"

I yelled down the hall of the dorm. I was putting the finishing touches on my outfit for the night. Tina had set me up on a date and I was kind of excited about it. I wasn't much for blind dates, but luckily this was a double date. I ran the brush through my hair and swept my bangs over my right eye. It was my signature look and I wore it that way on purpose. I had to stop highlighting my hair green. The department head for Liberal Studies told me that it was inappropriate to have green hair. So instead I went out and dyed my hair a little darker. I needed to do something to feel in control. I walked up to Tina who was waiting outside our dorm room and she smirked at me

"Ashley...."  

She pointed at my hair covering my eye. I shrugged and we headed downstairs to meet up with the guys. We walked up to them and I instantly freaked out when I saw who my date was. I shot a look over at Tina who had no idea that I already knew this person and he was friends with Jon.  He walked over and smiled and gave me a hug

"Ashley! It's been a very long time! I haven't seen you since...."

"Yeah. Hi Josh. Sorry I pushed you that night."

"Don't worry about it. Are you OK?"

"It's been a few years...I'm fine."

Tina was looking over at me confused. 

"You know him already?"

"Yeah we know each other. Josh is friends with Jon.  You didn't know that?"

She shook her head no. I felt very awkward about this. I knew he was going to go back and tell Jon that he went on a date with me. It's exactly what I didn't want. I was in the middle of student teaching in a 2nd grade class. My grades were back to where they should be. And I was just a few short months away from graduation. I didn't need any distractions from Jon. We left for the date and piled into Tina's car. There was a random awkward silence in the car. Tina had been with her boyfriend for several years. I shyed away from all relationships since that night 2 years ago. It took a very long time for me to get over Jon. I didn't want to talk about him. I didn't want him to know about me. I just wanted it all to go away. 

"I won't tell Jon about this OK. He doesn't have to know."

I looked over and half smiled  "Thanks"

We went out to an Italian restaurant. The four of us sat and talked, but there was seriously nothing there between Josh and I . The moment I saw him I had completely shut down. There was never going to be a chance in hell. He had always been more like a brother than anything else. And that's how I saw him. We ate dinner and went back to the dorm. I stayed outside with Josh to talk for a minute

"Did you want to go get a coffee or something? I really need to talk to you and I didn't want to do it in front of your friend."

"Uh yeah...I guess we can do that."

We got in my car and drove to the nearest Starbucks. We ordered our coffee and went outside to talk. 

"Ashley there's a lot about that night that you don't know. There's a lot about...well, everything...that you don't know."

I sighed and put my head down. I dug around in my purse for my cigarettes and lighter. I lit one and took a long drag off of it. This was seriously the last topic I wanted to discuss. It had become more taboo than talking about my dad and that was pretty huge. 

"I didn't know that we'd be talking about Jon."

"I didn't either until I saw you. There's things he never said. Things you need to know."

I shook my head  "I've moved on Josh. It took too long for me to get over him. I'm finally in a place where I feel like it doesn't matter anymore...and now here you are wanting to talk about it. I don't know what's left to say at this point. He never loved me...."

"Well, lets stop right there with that comment....that's a lie Ashley...a blatant lie. He ALWAYS loved you. ALWAYS. He had a lot of shit going on and you were the one thing. The one person who loved him unconditionally no matter what he said or did.  He liked to tell you that he didn't because he was trying to convince himself that he didn't."

"I don't understand. What was the point of doing that to me? Didn't he care at all about how that made me feel?"

"Ashley, Jon doesn't let people get close to him...usually...but he was different with you. Several of us knew how he felt and tried to convince him to be honest with you but he wouldn't do it. It was like a game he was playing. I felt bad for you. We all saw it. We knew you loved him so much you'd jump I front of a train if he asked you to."

"Can I be honest with you?"

He nodded

"I still do. I think about him all of the time. I just find ways to be distracted. There's been no one else and every time there might be someone else I shut down. I can't let go and I hate that he has that kind of hold on me. I hate that he never let me try."

"So...then I guess this will never happen"

He was teasing and I knew he was, but just in case I felt I better give him an answer

"Yeah probably not." I laughed "Honestly Josh you're like a brother to me. You've been super awesome over the years. So thank you."

I finished my cigarette and coffee and waited for Josh to finish his coffee. I watched him for a few minutes and I felt like he was holding back or had more to say. 

"Josh? I feel like you had more to say, but when I told you I still had feelings for Jon you stopped talking. Did I miss something?"

"Ashley.."  

He hesitated for a second. I watched him nervously fidget in his chair and it suddenly dawned on me what was going on. I felt really bad. I liked Josh as a friend and always had. I never looked at him any other way or at least never thought to. I was always too fixated on Jon to realize that he wasn't the only one who liked me

"Ashley I know I'm not Jon or anything but do you think...honestly...that maybe you would be willing to try?"

I smiled at him and he held my hand. He leaned forward and kissed me. I was stunned and pulled back and stared at him

"I'm sorry Ash...that was...."

"Don't be sorry Josh. It's OK. Josh...I don't know if you really want to go down this road with me. I am afraid that if I do this it wouldn't be fair to you because I still have feelings for Jon. I wouldn't want to hurt you the way he has hurt me and I feel like that might happen if you and I do this. I'm so frustrated because the reality is I DO want to move on and see other people but I'm just so afraid to do it because there's this stupid ass part of me that thinks he's going to come crawling back and suddenly want me again. It's so fucking stupid and yet it's there in my head holding me back."

"I understand Ashley.  You don't have to justify yourself to me. I just want you to know something...you're a very sweet girl, you're smart and funny and pretty...you deserve someone better than Jon. I mean it. He's my friend, but what he's done to you...it's not right."