Perspective

chapter 21

lyric

'it's time for dinner babygirl' marissa said walking into the nursery, emrys had woken up and was currently laying in my arms

'oh, no thank you marissa, i'm not hungry' marissa sat down in front of me

'that's not helping me believe that the reason you have that tube back in is because they were being cautious and not because your eating disorder isn't back' i shrugged

'well, i guess i'll have to tube feed you'

'i'm really just not hungry mar, i had a massive lunch before i left the hospital' marissa sighed

'i for some reason don't believe you'

'i promise you i did mar, i'll come sit at the table with you guys, but i'm really just not hungry' marissa sighed

'once, you better not be lying to me lyric leigh' i knew marissa knew that i wasn't eating again, but i also knew that she was worried about me hating her again. i stood up and followed marissa down the stairs. nick was sat at the table with jem and marissa had already served up dinner, there was four plates

'i set one up for you, but you don't have to eat it'

'who?' nick turned around and then smiled

'oh hey lyric, she's so cute!' he paused

'yes she does' he continued, i shook my head

'i'm really not hungry'

'demi is my fiancee, you don't think we talk? if you don't eat you'll end up back on that eating disorders ward for three months, without emrys' god damn it nick! marissa looked disappointed with me

'i'm not hungry, okay, i had a big lunch' nick shook his head

'you didn't eat lunch'

'i don't want the food!' i turned around and ran back up the stairs, as carefully as i could as i was still carrying emrys. i ran into my bedroom and locked the door, then quickly ran next door and locked the door to the nursery, so that nobody could get in from either rooms. if they can't get in, then i won't have to eat. i didn't want to be on the ward for three months, but i couldn't get fat again, i had to lose all the pregnancy weight. there was a knock on my door

'babygirl, please unlock your door' i looked down at emrys, she's the most precious thing I have ever laid my eyes on. tears began to run down my cheeks, as the suicidal thoughts flooded my brain. i couldn't leave this beautiful little girl without a mother, but I also couldn't live. i couldn't live like this anymore, i'm constantly fighting, whether it be with demi, or with myself, and i'm so over it.

'i won't make you eat, just please open your door' desperation lingered in marissa's voice.

i couldn't bring myself to open the door, no matter how many times she banged on the door and cried for me to come out. i just laid on the ground with emrys on my chest.

it wasn't long after that the door opened and nick walked in with his phone to his ear

'its okay now, she's fine' he said into the phone

'thank you dems, i love you' he hung up the phone and crossed his arms. i didn't move, just looked back down to the gorgeous little girl laid on my chest.

'you need to come down and eat' nick said firmly. i didn't acknowledge him. he walked forward and stood over me

'you need to come down and eat' he said again, with a even more serious tone. when i ignored him again he meant down and picked up emrys off of my chest

'what the fuck dude?' i yelled at him

'you will get her back when you eat' i laughed at him

'you're joking right?' he shook his head

'you are sick!'

'no, you are sick' he responded with.

i can do this, i'll eat a little bit and then throw it up. i was seriously considering moving in with evan now.

'i hate you' i said as i stood up and walked down to the dining room. marissa softly smiled at me as i sat down and picked up the fork.

i ate about five bites before putting down the fork and declaring i was full. marissa and nick both looked up and nick shook his head, but i was already dashing for the bathroom. i slammed the door shut and locked it, dropping to my knees and expelling the food into the toilet.

after i was done throwing up i could hear nick outside the door

'you really need come home for meals babe' i couldn't hear the person on the other end of the conversation but it was obviously demi

'she's really bad dems, she's throwing up right now' he paused for a bit before sighing

'i don't know what i'm doing dems, marissa doesn't really know what she's doing either. you've been through this, she needs someone that understands'

'you know what, whatever demi, your child is going to die' i sighed this time. demi didn't care enough to come back, obviously. i cleaned up and unlocked the door. quickly walking past nick and taking emrys off of marissa. marissa grabbed my shirt and pulled me back, wrapping her arms around me

'i'm so sorry' she simply said. i shrugged and walked off. i locked my bedroom door and began quickly gathering the essentials, which included emrys' emergency feeding pack and all her supplies along with some clothes for me and my phone.

i waited until i knew everyone was asleep and then snuck out of the house. i placed everything into emrys' stroller and began running.