Perspective

chapter 28

lyric

honestly, that was the worst 72 hours of my life. 

demi had signed the papers to release me after 72 hours, she pretty much acts like she could care less anymore, amelia seriously advised against it but demi didn't really care she didn't even come up here to sign them, instead signing them in lillie's room. 

the doctors are letting lillie come home because her counts are high enough, which means demi will be home. i'm seriously considering staying with dallas while she's home, but we'll see how the first 24 hours go, i'm probably better off staying with demi from a not eating point of view.

mar is going to go home whilst demi is home, things are still a little tense between them and she thinks it's best if she goes back to her apartment until things cool down a little bit more. she is picking me up from the hospital though and i've never been more excited. 

evan has been an absolute saint and looked after emrys practically by himself, although mar helped him a bit to. i had a lot of time to think and i'm not sure i can look after emmy right now, it breaks my heart but i want to ask mar to adopt her.  she'll be better off with her than she ever would have been with me.  

mads was on again this morning so i got the chance to say goodbye to her before i left, she'd had me for the past three days and was super nice to me, we basically played board games the entire time.

i pretty much lied my way out of here though. worst part is i don't feel guilty about it. they also took my tube out which is possibly the best thing to come out of this, i absolutely hated that thing.

amelia had recommended that demi come in for family therapy sessions after she identified that fighting with demi only made things worse, but demi refused saying she was simply too busy. way to make me feel like shit.

i was so jittery waiting to get out of the hospital. i don't know whether i was just having withdrawals or anxiety but i couldn't stop moving. 

'hey baby! ready to go?' mar handed me a blanket, the one thing i had requested she bring as i was absolutely freezing

'yes, get me out of here. sorry mads' mads laughed and gave me a high five as i walked past

'i don't want to see you here again kiddo, i want to bump in to you on the street okay?' i nodded 

mar took my hand and we walked out into the elevator. as we were approaching the exit we could see demi with lillie. anyone else know that person who always carries their six year old everywhere? thats demi, even before all this i'm pretty sure demi thought lillie didn't have her own two legs. 

'i'd like to avoid her if thats in anyway possible' marissa nodded and we stopped and sat down for five minutes. i was pretty grateful for that as i was so dizzy, but couldn't admit it because i'd never leave if i did. 

car rides with marissa are always super fun! we had a great time jamming out to old and new hits, it had made me forget about everything for that short amount of time. however when we pulled up i was reminded of the situation i was about to walk in to. things were a little tense between demi and nick, demi was probably going to ignore my existence and leave me out of everything and lillie was probably going to be really sick. 

it took me a moment to find my head once i had stepped out of the car, i was so incredibly dizzy it wasn't funny. marissa had noticed and offered to walk me inside, but i knew she wasn't one hundred percent comfortable with that so i kindly declined. 

i walked in and didn't find anyone in the main foyer, which meant demi and lillie were already home. i was pretty embarrassed after my seventy two hour stint on the psych ward so i decided to just go straight to bed. i walked in to find evan with emrys and i was overcome with emotion. he walked over and pulled me into a hug, knowing what i had been thinking about as he had brought her to visit me on the second day. 

'demi and lillie got home about ten minutes ago, they're all on the couch' i nodded he knew i wasn't going to acknowledge her anytime soon

'they got rid of your tube?'

'yeah! they were happy with my progress and said i didn't need it' i had fooled my treatment team by shoving food up my sleeves, as i was admitted for suicidal ideation they never really monitored my eating, or lack there of. 

'i'm so proud of you' i half smiled at him as he passed emrys to me

'i have to leave now babe, i'll come back tomorrow okay?' i nodded but i was so exhausted i asked him to take her with him. of course being the amazing father he is, he did. 

i felt a little bit petty, ignoring demi's presence the way she had ignored mine, but i was angry with her. angry because she'd given up, thrown me to the curb because she's got two new sparkly kids with no mental defects. whilst in the hospital i had admitted to amelia that part of the reason i had wanted to die was because i felt as if demi didn't want me anymore. demi was a huge part of my life before jem and lillie came but ever since then she's been more distant and i guess that's what really fueled my relapse to become as bad as it is.  

'hey kiddo, i'm happy you're back' i looked up to see nick in the doorway, i quickly wiped the tears that were running down my cheeks away, hoping he wouldn't notice

'you alright?' i nodded

'is it dems?' i nodded again

'i'm sorry about her lyr, you know she's really worried about lil right now'

'i feel as if she's given up on me, like now that she's got two mentally sane new kids she's just thrown me out like trash and it hurts' nick was taken aback by my honesty, in the past year i'd never really been open about how i felt. it was usually just a fake smile and a simple response.

it was obvious he didn't know what to say, but his eyes said enough. he looked sad, hurt. he wrapped his arms around me and apologized.

'you don't deserve this kiddo, any of this'

I hugged him back and smiled at him.

'will you come eat lunch with us?' he was hopeful, but he already knew the answer was going to be no.

when i didn't answer he hugged me tighter, before pulling away and walking out of the room.

'the offer is still on the table if you want it, i'm happy to sit with you and do what you need to get through it if you want' i smiled but let him know that i wasn't hungry, making sure to thank him for his efforts.