Perspective

chapter 41

lyric

'you fucking asshole' mom yelled as she laid her eyes on me, 'babygirl' she ran over and wrapped her arms around me

'what the fuck amelia?' dallas then also yelled, copying moms actions

i chuckled as i realized that amelia had told them i was dead. she walked back into the room with lillie on her hip, who smiled wider than i've ever seen her smile before when she looked at me.

mom and dallas had tears pouring out of their eyes as the both squeezed the life out of me. dallas kissed my head about forty times, before pulling away and laying down next to me. mom kept me in her arms, not letting go.

she pressed her lips to my forehead and got in the other side of the bed, pulling me on top of her.

you will need to open your heart to forgiveness in order to heal

i smiled and relaxed into her embrace, making her cry harder, 'i'm so fucking sorry babygirl' she cried, pecking my temple, 'god i know i fucked up so badly and that me only realizing it now is worse but i really do mean it'

i chuckled, 'momma, it's okay' she looked at me as if i had three heads, 'lillie has cancer, cancer is scary and easy to get caught up in, i don't blame you' i explained, 'i did, for a long time, and i think that resentment is what made me want to kill myself, not necessarily you' she hugged me tighter, with the biggest smile spread across her face.

i will admit, i'm terrified the same thing will happen again, but i couldn't forget those words.

you will need to open your heart to forgiveness in order to heal

'what did i do to deserve you?' mom questioned

'you saved peoples lives' i whispered, 'i want to help people like you do momma, i want to use this bad experience and this bad moment to bring happiness and hope into other people's lives' just when i thought her smile couldn't get any bigger, it did. there was a massive smile spread across dallas's face as well.

dallas wrapped her arms back around me, 'i'm so glad you're okay babygirl, i was so worried'

i smiled at her, 'i heard your prayers dal'

'really?' i nodded

'you helped me see that i didn't want the light' i paused, 'you all did, even you lilster' amelia placed lillie on the end of the bed and i opened my arms to her, she crawled over and sat in my lap, 'i'm going to be a better big sister, i promise'

she smiled at me, 'you're the bested big sister ever' i laughed at her childhood innocence, i was fat from a good big sister, i was almost always high or missing or dying.

'i was so scared' dallas admitted, 'everything just stopped'

i slipped my hand in hers, smiling reassuringly 'well, i sure hope it's restarted now' i joked, she lightly pushed me, laughing through her tears.

i moved my other hand to moms wrist, pulling up her sleeves and checking them, there were a few slight scratches, most likely from her fingernails, but it didn't look like she had cut herself. i studied her knuckles, but they looked fine. then i moved to her tear filled eyes, it was hard to tell if they were red because she'd been crying or because she got high, 'i was going to' she whispered, 'i wanted to do it all, but something stopped me'

i remember when i was with my parents they showed me demi relapsing, across the board, i begged and begged her to stop harming herself to stay strong, but it didn't work.

'i guess it was my little angel' she chuckled, 'it sounded like you actually'

i smiled, 'i saw you relapsing when i was in between and i was begging you to stop, because you deserved better'

mom smiled, kissing my temple once more, 'you were my little angel'

the door burst open once more and nick ran in with jemma close behind him. both were in tears, 'demi!' nick groaned, 'you said she was dead'

'amelia told me she was' demi defended, i chuckled

'jem, come here' i patted the empty space on my bed, she ran over and jumped onto it, throwing her arms around me. lillie shifted off of my lap for a moment and i pulled jemma onto it, she was the same size as me, which made it a bit awkward, but i found a way to make it work, 'i'm so sorry baby, i've missed you and i promise i'm going to be there for you from now on' she smiled at me

'hey papa' i smiled at nick, he walked over and pulled me into a hug

'no more scaring me like that lyr, i almost had a heart attack'

a heartbroken evan walked in with emrys in his arms, 'tell me it's not true' he whispered, his gaze not lifting from our daughter

'well babe, i sure hope it's not' i joked, his eyes shot up and he ran over, engulfing me in the biggest hug, 'can i see my baby now' a smile spread across his face as he handed emrys to me. this was the reason i am here today, this gorgeous little baby laying in my arms. she needed a role model, an influence, her mother.

i am ready.

'i know i'm sick, and i know this isn't going to be easy, but i want to get better' i paused, 'again'