Perspective

chapter 35

lyric

how the hell did i end up back here again. it had only been two hours and i already wanted to kill every nurse on the ward. they'd put me on strict eating disorder protocol. no walking. no hanging my leg off of the side of the bed. no moving. no fucking freedom. they barely let me sit up. not to mention the constant monitoring by a bitchy nurse who leaves me seething with anger every time she speaks. she had left the room five minutes ago though, so i was left alone and doing jumping jacks. 

'get back in your bed right now' amelia walked in with a less than impressed expression laid on her face, 'or i'll restrain you' she warned, her tone low, she was obviously fed up with my shit

nick and mom had gone home for the night after she dropped my bag off, which the nurses took off of me after five minutes. none of the clothes she had packed fit me anymore, although i did notice jemmas pyjamas in there, i wouldn't fit in those, they were like a kids size 8. 

if amelia was annoyed at me then my plan was working, i was going to annoy my way out of here. make them so angry at me they have to discharge me. i was not going to stay here. 

'now lyric' i stood still and shook my head, i wonder if dallas can get me out of here, 'can you get me the smallest restraints we have' i continued doing my jumping jacks, i could practically see the steam coming out of amelia's ears. 

'stop' she warned through gritted teeth, i shook my head again, continuing the exercise, 'i'm going to have to call demi' i shrugged, i didn't care who she called, demi had left me here, after all what did she expect, just because i'm in a hospital doesn't mean i'm magically going to give all of this up.  

amelia slowly approached before grabbing my waist and picking me up. i struggled in her grip, but she didn't let up, instead carried me to the bed. she laid me down and then pinned me there. i kicked my legs around, screaming, but that only caused more nurses to rush in and help amelia hold me down. i didn't stop screaming. they couldn't do this to me, i had rights. 

i think i kicked about three nurses by the time i was in complete restraints, none of them were mads or hayley, the only two nurses i actually like. i just wanted to go home. honestly i didn't care if my heart failed and i died anymore. it would make this all so much easier. nobody would have to waste their time on me anymore, or worry. i'd be happy and so would everyone else. 

'i'm sorry lyric, it's for the best' amelia whispered as she sat in the chair next to my bed, 'take your break chelsea, i'll sit with her' the bitchy nurse walked out and i was more than relieved, i couldn't hit her now i was restrained, and god did i want to. 

i was so angry, yet so sad. i hated when i felt like this. usually i'd turn to drugs, or binge and purge but now i was strapped to a bed and couldn't even move. only causing me more anger. i screamed in frustration. amelia now wore a sad expression, i just wanted to move. 

'for fucks sake' i screamed as i tried to wriggle out of the restraints. they were tight and no amount of fussing about could get my wrists out of them. eventually i stopped wriggling, 'just let me die' i was defeated and i was more then done. i was begging my heart to stop suddenly, to fail like amelia had warned it could. i just couldn't do this anymore. 

'i can't beautiful girl' amelia's statement frustrated me

'just let me die' i spat.

i wanted dallas, i wanted mom, i wanted marissa, i wanted papa, i wanted someone. i wanted someone to give me the strength that i no longer have, show me some sort of hope.

ultimately though, i just wanted to die. 

i started misbehaving again, amelia said she'd have to call demi and i'd rather a pissed off demi then no one. i was trying everything and anything, including biting myself which reopened one of the cuts on my wrist causing blood to start pouring out, amelia just sighed made the restraints shorter and fixed the bleeding cut on my arm, 'i'm going to have to call demi' i just shrugged, amelia signalled another nurse into my room and swapped with her. i just glared at the new nurse, having no interest in getting to know anything about her. 

i don't know why they bothered to keep the one on one in my room when i can't even move. wait how the hell was i supposed to go to the bathroom now? not that i really ever needed to but being restrained to a bed made it impossible to move to use the restroom. 

'demi is coming in' good. amelia watched my face for a moment before frowning, 'you're not protesting, you're not concerned, lyric' she sighed, placing her hand to her forehead, the nurse that had sat with me walked out, 'you misbehaved because you wanted me to call demi so that she'd come in' i nodded

'you could've just said you wanted her babe' i shook my head, i still had a feeling that demi was only going to come if i was bad, 'you don't think she'd would've come do you?' i shrugged, not wanting to be vulnerable, i'd already let out too much

i was preparing myself to be yelled at by mom, i knew it was coming, and i knew ultimately she was probably just going to leave me here and never look back. i'd be an orphan again, but at least this time it'll only be for a little bit.

'babygirl' babygirl, what? mom stood at the door, she looked devastated but she wasn't angry at me, her eyes were watery as she slowly approached me. i waited for her to start screaming and hit me, flinching when she placed her hand near me, but instead she got onto the bed with me and pulled me into her embrace. i couldn't help but breakdown in her comforting embrace. i felt the restraint on my right hand loosen and quickly threw it over mom. 

'mommy' i cried, 'i want to die' my voice cracked as i shoved my head into her chest, i didn't want to look at her. i didn't want to talk about it. i just wanted her to know how i felt. i wanted her to hold me forever, tell me that everything was going to be okay, that she loved me and she'd be there every step of the way. she held me tighter. 

'i'm sorry babygirl, i'm so fucking sorry for hurting you' she kissed the top of my head, 'i love you more than anything, i really hope you know that'