He was sleeping on his stomach, his mouth a little open, his hair in a mess, like always. I smiled at the sight, the dream of the little girl I was, was now a reality but then the painful memories of yesterday made their way back and the lump in my throat constricted as I sat near him.
I slightly tousled his hair, hesitant at first, there are bags under his eyes, as I close his open mouth, his stubble, old of two days, tickled my fingers, I never told him but I liked it this way.
Mustering courage I let my fingers linger on his forehead, erasing his frown, he looks exhausted and the pained expression on his face tells me he spent the whole night, staring at the ceiling like I did.
I was about to get up but he took my hand in his, still asleep, he often used to do this in our chilhood and me being a turbulent teenager, I would snatch it away in no time, but now it was different, we changed, Chashmish and his Sumo were gone since a long time, they were buried in our memories, a feeble murmure which comes back time to time.
He is everything, I ever dreamt of and now that he is mine, I should be happy but I am not able to be. Whenever I seek Love for myself in his eyes, those dead eyes, I feel like a rootless wanderer in quest of water in the desert, but you see the desert is vast and mirages too many.
But I didn't lose hope, I still tried. Each time, I took a step towards him, he took one backward and in front of me stood a man, defeated by his own destiny.
I wish I didn't plead him to stay back. I should have let him go. Far, far way from me. Isn't what we are supposed to do when we love someone ? Give them everything they want. He asked me just one thing, it was to let him go, he was not happy with me, I could see it in his eyes, he was torn apart by his insecurities, it was not easy for him.
I begged him, I told him that I love him, that I would die without him, please stay don't go. I thought, I loved him but I was wrong, I became selfish, I only thought about myself, my pain.
If I really loved him, I should have let him go even if it broke my heart, even if it hurt. You see that's the matter with Love, it demands sacrifice, it demands every vibe of your soul. I wish he was selfish, it would have been easier for me to let him go, but no kindness runs through him like blood in my veins.
Sometimes, I wonder is he alive or merely breathing ? Then I get scared from the answer because deep down I know that I am responsible for it.
My mother used to say if something is meant for you, it will also find a way to reach till you, no matter what. But I am a coward, If I let him go and he does not come back, I won't be able to live with the rejection. He is my everything.
He woke up. I didn't even realize it, it's when his thumb came in contact with my skin, spreading a jolt of electricity to my body, that I moved back. "Were you crying ?" His eyes questioned.
For the first time in years, I detected an ounce of emotion towards me, it was more than sympathy or care, but I was unable to name it and the way he kept stroking my cheek was not helping.
His brown orbs were staring into mine with such a vigor, as if he was able to see through this tormented soul of mine. "N-Nahi toh, main tumhare liye coffee lekar aati hoon."
"Sumo." He took my left hand in his, squeezing it as the other one tugged my fringe behind my ear . "Main yahin hoon... Hamesha." As he spoke those words, something died in me. I love him, I really do but now it's time for me to let him go.
