pins and Needles

Dead inside

I wasn't always like this.Wel at least not until my dad left for some hoebag named sinamon which isn't even spelt right,my mum got into online dating she seems happy but that's only when she's out off the house for you see my mum's boyfriend abuses her and me...
People ask me what happend to me I used to be popular at school when I went out with Zac,but people don't know what is happening in my life.They judge you so quick talk about you behind your back drag you down because they don't know what's going on they don't care they need just that one negative point in their life to make them feel better.I was rapped by my mum's boyfriend. This is why I ended things with Zac because I was too discussted  to even live with my self let alone go out with a boy.

My life was turned upside down in a day because I wasn't capable of looking after myself I later there and let my salty tears run down my face,I should of,could've done something but I didn't.I feel like my life stopped and everyone is still moving I tried to tell someone but he found out.I still remember that day...it was winter I came home from school previously having told my guidance councilor about my issue not who did it but what happened,I remember the fury on his face he wacked my head on the wall I didn't have time to react they promised they wouldn't tell him,I tasted rust it was blood I had a nose bleed he hit me that hard I try to scramble away but he dragged me across the kitchen floor shouting in my face "I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE" I repeatedly said sorry it wasn't going to save me those words meant nothing to him.He shouted once again but different "YOU ARE GONNA WISH YOU WEREN'T BORN YOU LITTLE SHIT" by this time my body was shaking un controlablly.He dragged me up the stairs and to my room put a blindfold on me and a cloth in my mouth to stop out neighbours from hearing me scream while I heard him un zip his trousers,the rest is a blur from all the tears I cryed,once he was done he left me there crying.I tryed to wish away what happened it never worked but I had to try,this wasn't the first time he comes regually but I can't do anything if I resist he slaps or kicks me if I tell he abuses me.Im dead inside.

I know people have worse life's but I can't take any more I'm broken I can't look in the mirror,I'm too afraid to see what a monster I've become because of him.I can't tell my mum she won't believe me she never does she thinks he loves her soo much she is wrong he just wants the money to buy sigars or beer.But she doesn't see that I'm an only child my mum said I was an accident and my dad left because of me.That hurts but I can't help but think this is all true I have a hard time believing myself but with them I've heard it so many times it's embedded in my head like a drug your addicted too.The only thing that keeps me sane is my music I let all my fears,douts,hatred out in a sheet off music.

What I'm most scared of is that this nightmare won't end,that this isn't real I'll wake up soon but I know this won't happen,I have depression from all the negative things happening to me,I result in cutting.I know I shouldn't but I can't help it,I feel like I deserve it for the beast I have become,This is all gonna end now...