The One She Loves • George Springer

I Had A Feeling

For this chapter listen to human by Christina Perri.

|S A M A N T H A|

I look at myself in the mirror. I look like a mess. I grab my brush and gently brush my long hair trying to desperately make it look better for no one except me. I just need to take my mind off of it.

Don't think of it.

I think for a second and try to remember where I hid the razor.

Don't think of it.

I rummage through my drawers and boxes. Nine years cut free. I guess that's stopping now.

Stop Sam.

I pull out a little box in the back of my drawer. Tiny but it holds my world of pain. I pull it out and find the small razor. I gently take it into my hands and examine it. I look through the other things in the box. A note? I unfold it and look at it. It's a little crumbled but has date written: March 19, 1998.

Dear Samantha,
  I know that this box is special in ways that shouldn't be remembered but if you are looking in here, don't do it. Please talk to me. Sam, this is not the solution, you know that. I know that I should've gotten rid of this box but I realized if I did you would just buy a new one. So I left this note. I knew that one day you would come back and think about it again. I want it to be your decision though, I can't stop every wrong thing in your life, I can't tell you what to do or what not to, I can't choose things for you but I can guide you. No matter what, I will always be here. I stepped down from the top and helped you when no one else did. It may have been so many years late but I did. The years I didn't... I never have forgiven myself. Although I never encouraged their actions, I never told them to stop. I'm sorry. I know that I'm not the type of friend you would like but I try Sam. I want you to be okay. I need you up be okay. You have to be okay. If you tried something worse than cutting again and were successful, I could never live with it. I couldn't live a day knowing that I could've stopped you somehow. Please. Don't do this. Come to me. I will always be here. Forever and always. I love you more than you could possibly imagine.

Love,
your best friend,
Liliana Cortez

There were a fesw parts that I could barely read because of the tears I shed had soaked them. I left the note on the bedroom floor and ran to the living room. I didn't care if she was asleep or not. I kneeled down on the hard cold wooden floor and took her hand and gently shook her. She groaned and stirred.

"What?"

I pulled her into a hug and she opened her sleepy eyes.

"Thank you Liliana. Thank you. Thank you."

Lily shot up probably because I never called her Liliana.

"What did I do?"

"The note," I said sobbing.

"Oh my gosh Sam."

She pulled me close and squeezed me tight, "Sam..."

"I'm sorry Lily. I'm sorry. I just remembered what they did and said and the first time I did it. I couldn't fall asleep and I pulled it out and found the note..."

I could barely speak over my sobs.

"Shhh... It's ok baby girl. You'll be alright. You're a strong woman."

I shake my head, "Only because of you. Because of you, I'm here. I'm still alive."

"I told you. I couldn't have handled the pain."