12:43 am friday night
the past week has been one of the worst weeks of my life. right now i'm having the pleasure of talking to the reason i'm here for maybe, most likely the last time. she has been through so much shit and yet still helped me. and tomorrow or today she might take her life and i know i can't do anything to stop her. and i don't get her wrong at all because i'd be so fucking empty without her. but deep and i mean deep down i know it's for the best and i know she'll finally be happy. she said she'll be my guardian angel. and i believe her. yesterday (7.19.17, Wednesday) she told me while i was at the mall that her mother had overdosed on heroine and is in a coma. i had the worst mental breakdown that day. i got home and cried. i fell to the floor. i throw my pillows and blankets. i screamed. so much. she said whenever she closes her eyes she sees death. she's been through so much; rape, an abortion, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, adopting centers, abusive parents, abusive relationships, and so much more and i get why she wants to leave permanently. i refuse to say that she is gonna ___ herself. i can't do it. it makes me sick. ive cried so much. i know she'll still be there for me.
i'm gonna finish this when i'm comfortable typing/talking again.
7.25.17
12:49 am monday night
i'm back. i'm so fucking happy i was selfish and made her wait three days. i knew that she would've done it that day. she's still trying. she's weak but still pushing through. that third day sucked so much. i cried in the shower which i haven't done in awhile. the thing is now i'm numb again. i can't cry even though i know i'm in pain. i don't feel the pain but i know i am. i'm still clean which has been extremely difficult for me. i don't reach out to any of my friends. i don't think they like me anyway 🤷🏼♀️ im done being there burden. im done annoying them so i don't initiate conversations. my "best friend" hasn't talked to me unless i make the effort. i'm just kinda done with everyone. there's literally nobody i know i'd talk to. i'm exhausted mentally, and physically. i'm happy, i think. i'm glad i have this as an outlet because i don't know where i'd be without it.
