car ride // california
we were on the way home from a friends house, it was kind of late, definitely getting to be dark. my dear mother is driving when this white car is leaning towards our lane, i'm sitting shotgun with my father behind me and my sister by him. this car is still leaning towards us and i get kind of tense but i trust my mother to swiftly move out of the way.
WATCH IT WATCH IT WATCH IT
each scream louder than the other. i freeze expecting someone else to panic, and my mother to swerve or something. his hands grab the back of my seat shaking it. we passed the car without an accident or collision. no harm done.
"I didn't think you saw him"
my father said promptly. i'm still frozen, everything is slower and i'm struggling to not cry. i pause the music, and breathe without making much noise. after about 4 minutes of me hiding my whimpers i continue to play the music acting as if nothing had happened, no one noticed. everyone else was okay so i should be too, right?
i am still questioning if i had an anxiety attack because of the fact we almost had gotten into an accident or if because of the tone of his voice had caused me to freeze and panic.
the same tone that told me i was being a bad kid and how i was being of no help to the family. the same tone that had given me anxiety when answering a question in front of the class, the same tone that caused me to fear being wrong. the same tone that said "i love you" and forced me to say it back. the same tone that is in the future going to cause toxic relationships because in the end if they say "i love you" than it doesn't matter all of the bad they have done, they are still worth my time and love.
that same damn tone.
