The Hardest Part is Letting Go {Falsettos}

Goodbye?

  Whizzer definitely understands how Marvin felt when their roles were reversed, and he was the one laying in the hospital bed.

  It's a feeling that Whizzer hates more than words can possibly describe, seeing Marvin laying there, in utter pain. It's as though his heart is being slowly cut in half with the world's dullest knife, and it's driving the man insane.

  It had been two months since Marvin was diagnosed, and to say he's not looking too good is an understatement. His eyes are sunken in, he's paler than the hospital walls, and the amount of weight he's drastically lost in the short amount of time is enough to make Whizzer pick up smoking again. It's an odd thing, especially since he's dead and breathing isn't exactly an essential thing for him, yet it calms him down. He assumes it's just the feeling of having the cigarette between his lips, and the way it reminds him of when he first met Marvin and when they started fooling around.

  Marvin doesn't like Whizzer smoking, but since his lover no longer has living lungs to destroy, he can't really bitch unless Whizzer tries to kiss him without brushing his teeth. Their old routines fall into place, with one man constantly worrying and trying not to cry while the other tries to calm him down although he knows they're both panicking and there's no use in trying to deny it. The only thing that's different is the roles the two men play in the routine.

  Whizzer fucking hates it.

  He hates being dead. He hates having to sit idly by and watch the only man he's ever really loved turn into a corpse before his own eyes. He hates lying to Jason, telling the boy his dad's a fighter and he's gonna pull through. He hates smiling and keeping light conversation with Trina and Mendel. He hates helping Cordelia cook dinners at her house when he knows he should be at the hospital, spending as much time as possible with his ailing lover. Most of all, he hates not being able to do a single fucking thing. Trina had told Whizzer how helpless everyone felt when he was so close to death, and now he's beginning to understand just how horrible helplessness is.

  It's a seemingly decent Tuesday night when Marvin whispers it.

  "This isn't fair."

  Whizzer looks up from the magazine he's reading to meet Marvin's eyes, sighing.

  "I know, Marv..."

  "No, you don't. You don't know, Whizzer. You don't know what it feels like to watch your lover die-"

  "What the hell do you think I'm doing here, getting a fucking manicure?"

  "Let me finish!" There's a pause before Marvin continues. "You don't know what it feels like to watch your lover die, watch the person who taught you what love really is be lowered into the ground, and then spend six months wanting nothing more than to off yourself so you could just fucking see his face again, only to have him turn back up out of the blue. You don't know what it's like to think life was finally being generous, only to be told you're gonna die before your son's even old enough to drive a car. You don't know-"

  "You know what?! No. I don't know, Marvin. I don't know how that feels. But let me tell you what I do know. I know what it feels like to lay in that bed, feeling like you're being stabbed with every shallow breath you manage to take in. I know what it's like to see your lover worry constantly and uselessly wonder if you're ever gonna get better. I know what it's like to see the man who taught you how to not be afraid of love fall into a never ending spiral of depression. I know what it's like to see the love of your life drink himself nearly half to death, or sob for hours in the shower, or refuse to even try to move on. I KNOW WHAT'S IT'S LIKE TO SEE THE ONLY MAN WHO WAS PATIENT ENOUGH TO LOVE YOU BRING A GUN INTO HIS HOUSE AND PLOT HIS OWN GODDAMN SUICIDE, SO DON'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHAT I DO AND DO NOT KNOW, MARVIN."

  Marvin's surprised by how quickly Whizzer gets worked up, but that doesn't stop the words from falling out of his mouth.

  "If you're suffering, then why the hell are you still here? Just...get out."

  Whizzer's face falls as he wiping the stray tears from his face. "W-What?"

  "You heard me. Get. Out." Marvin spits harshly, looking away from the man.

  Then he's gone.

  Marvin immediately regrets it. He regrets it all. The dread sets in, and he calls out for Whizzer with a panicked tone.

  This time, Whizzer doesn't show back up.

**

  Three days later, Whizzer's still not back.

  Marvin's even worse, to the point where he can't even breathe without crying out in pain. Charlotte has the entire family in the room during every possible moment of visiting hours, knowing damn well that it's getting close to the inevitable moment that nobody wants to happen.

  "Can I have a minute alone with Dad?" Jason asks at one point, shocking Trina and making Charlotte close to tears. The doctor nods and escorts the other adults from the room, shutting the door behind them all and leaving the young boy and the dying man alone in the room.

  Jason walks up close to his father, holding in all tears that he can already feel prickling his eyes. "...You miss him, don't you?"

  It takes Marvin a second to answer. "Y-Yes..."

  "...Then promise me one thing...just one thing..."

  Marvin doesn't verbally respond, since by now even talking hurts him. He simply nods and waits for his son to continue.

  "P-Promise me...promise that when you go, you won't leave me here alone. Promise you'll watch over me, from wherever the hell you are."

  There's an odd silence in the room, neither awkward nor comforting, but it's broken by Marvin soon enough. "I'll always be here for you, Jason. You're my son, like it or not. I'm here for you, no matter what."

  Jason's in tears soon enough, hugging his father as tightly as possible without hurting the frail man. "Then you can let go, if you really want to..."

  The rest of the family returns not long after, but the scene's changed. When they left, there were two heartbeats remaining in the room.

  Now, there's only one.

  Black.

  That's all Marvin sees.

  It's oddly comforting, until the warm, bright light pulls him out of it. He looks around at the area he's arrived in, disappointed when he can't find who he's looking for.

  A tap on his shoulder causes him to turn around, eyes lightening up at the sight in front of him.

  "You made it." Whizzer grins, holding his hand out for Marvin, who happily takes it without missing a beat.

  "What more can I say? I couldn't live without you."

The End.