Liberation.

Chapter 7

Hope 

I knew it was my birthday, I knew it when I woke up and smelt my favorite pancakes downstairs. I knew it in my bones too, the feeling of being different yet the same all at once. The sun was welcoming me, peeking through the slit in my curtains. A cloud of sadness grew above me though, I was 16 and I wasn't spending it with who I wanted. It's been so long that I had seen him, heard his voice and felt his arms around me, this was a fate worse than death. I thought hard about how the next two years will go by if 3 months was torture in itself, 2 years would be absolute destruction of my self. 

I got up and showered, taking my time when it wasn't necessary to. The water was hot as always, I turned around and closed my eyes. I let it hit my neck and my back, burning me gently. Somehow feeling that small amount of pain erased the emotional pain of Ice, and the water masked the tears I shed each morning and night. 

Eventually, my legs began to ache from the standing. I got out and put on my robe, looking in the mirror I noticed my eyes were still dull. I laughed to myself, an empty laugh that echoed in my bathroom. I dried my hair which was much longer now, stopping an inch or so above the curve of my butt. Perhaps I should cut it, I never knew what it would be like to have short hair? Something in me began to push like I had another version of myself living inside me. 

I opened the drawer under the sink and there among clutter and tissues, was a shiny pair of scissors. I picked it up with confidence I blamed on my second personality, I lifted it up and grasped my hair just below my chin in my fist. I looked in the mirror, the scissors barely touching my hair, for a moment I saw a sudden spark of bright blue in my reflection. My eyes glowed for a short time, and I knew I was going in the right direction. 

After a countless amount of snips here and there, my hair was a short, wavy mess reaching just past my chin. I put down the scissors and smiled to myself, "not too shabby" I said chuckling. After I got dressed in a pair of shorts and a loose jumper, I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen. My mom's were both in the kitchen, swaying to the song that played quietly through the radio. 

I stood by the archway and watched them, they looked so happy, I felt a pang of hate inside me. How unfair was it they got to be happy while I was miserably waiting for my love to find me? Very unfair. I cleared my throat and they looked up to face me, their eyes growing wide. "Well, that's a surprising change," Mommy said with a wide smile, I muttered thanks and shifted on my feet. Momma was still looking at me, a lost look on her face. 

Mommy broke the silence again, "Happy birthday baby" she gushed walking around the counter island, embracing me in a warm hug. "Thanks, mom" I replied awkwardly, she released me, her eyes were so bright and happy. Like mine once were when I was with Ice, I pushed that thought away though. 

"I cannot wait for tonight", it was my turn to be confused. What was happening tonight?..