Touring with 5sos //sequel to adopted by 5sos

Part 8

4 weeks later
Depression fucking sucks.
I decided to take a little break from social media but I still feel as empty as before.
Anyone who has depression will tell you, you have good days and bad days. I have been lucky to have a few good months on the whole but I've started to slump back to exactly how I was before.
I have even gone back to self harming.
Every day I'm reminded of how lucky I am but then every day all I can think about is my old life.
Having the living daylight beaten out of me daily. Having unthinkable nightmares. Starving myself. Every day just wanting my life to end.
I know the boys can tell something's wrong but they don't know what.
I feel like such a piece of crap. My life is so good and all I can do is complain.
One day #hannahisoverparty is trending on twitter because of an old insensitive comment I made about mental health and I destroy my ankles and thighs with a razor blade.
One random morning, we are sitting eating dinner which I am also having trouble with. The silence is like ice. I burst out crying.
"Hannah, honey, what's wrong?" Ashton asks overly concerned
"Everything"
"What?"
"I don't know" I cry
"Hannah you need to talk to us" Luke says
"I'm just I-I-I'm self harming again" I spit out in between a sob. I get scared of their reaction. So I run out of the room and up to my room.
I start messing up everything in my perfectly tidy room.
I ruin my immaculately made bed. I rip pages of paper out my notebooks. I throw decrotive cushions around, all while scream-crying in rage and sadness. I stop, drop the pink pillow in my hand and fall to the floor.
I sit and cry, and cry, and cry.
After who knows how long of me wallowing in my own disgusting self pity and depression, there's a soft knock on my door.
"Come in" my voice broken and hoarse from screaming answers
In walks all four boys with soft footsteps and unreadable faces.
I smile almost sarcastically at them, simply because I don't know what else to do.
"Look, Hannah" Ashton sighs "We noticed how distant you've been lately but we really didn't know how bad it was, you have to know that. If we did we'd be there in a heartbeat" his eyes gloss with tears
I look up at him " Why do I feel this way? What's wrong with me?" I whisper
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing"
"Then why do I feel so horrible Ashton" my voice raises slightly
"I-I don't, I don't know" he says, his voice shaking
"Everything hurts to think about. I can't do anything. I just need it to stop."
"What?" Michael says seriously
"Everything" I whisper
"Hannah, no you don't" Michael says sternly "You need to stop hiding your feelings from us. And we know you come from a horrible background, where you get beaten up if you show one shred of emotion. And sadness is shown as weakness. B-but hannah, that's not now, we want to hear it. Anytime?"
He's right. The saying it never hurts to talk always amused me as a child. Because it did. The first time my Dad hit me, I cried, he hit me again, I cried
I still remember his sick voice right in my ear as he whispered "Don't ever let em' see you cry" as he knocked me out
"Han"
"Im sorry. I-I know" I fumble
"No" Calum says "That's it right there don't be sorry, just please talk to us."
I look Calum straight in the eyes, I feel like it's the first time I met him again. His eyes have no hate, no anger, only compassion. And they have never changed.
"Okay"
"We love you" Ashton assures me "and we are only doing this because we love you."
"What?"
"House rules back on" he says and I sigh but something about the house rules make me feel proud. Like the first time they happened, I was proud because I hadn't cut and it pleased the boys.
The boys start using their weird eye language so I just sit there twiddling my thumbs.
"Han, you can sleep in my room if you want" Ashton offers. I nod slightly.
"Now Hannah" he asks "Can we see these scars?"
I sort of nod with my eyes and roll up my sleeves . Every part of me feels like an exhibit at a freak show. As I roll them up Ashton's eyes widen and I look at him disappointed in myself.
"Hey" he says raising my head with one finger "nothing we haven't dealt with before"
I tilt my head slightly, rubbing the back of my neck. He sighs slightly.
"There's more?"
I roll up my trousers in answer. My ankles look bad. Really bad.
As Ashton looks horrified I whisper to myself. "I'm a freak"
He looks me up and down carefully as the tears stream out my eyes.
"You, Hannah Irwin. Are the exact opposite. However you are beautiful, smart, talented, kind, humble, funny, strong, brave and above all perfect"
I shrug my shoulders in response.
"Ya know we can get through anything" he smiles
"Anything?"
"Together" he whispers in my ear like it our little secret
"Together"

I'm back with a bit more of a serious chapter. I wanted to write about something that is important. Thanks guys 💋

BTW yes that was a 13 reasons why reference before I am called out for being lazy with dialogue.