Angels and Wallflowers - 1202

Letter One

May 26/17
Dear, Friend

I slouched lower as the two nurses opened the door that lead into the ward. They needed keycards to open the door. Didn't want people escaping, I guess. They moved me forward and as I walked down a long corridor, I heard someone yell "Hey!" at me. I didn't look up. I kept my eyes glued to the floor. The nurses lead me down a different hallway that connected to the other hallway. The ward was made up of two long hallways with multiple rooms branching off them. Today I moved from Pediatrics to Psychiatrics. It wasn't a hard move, it was just a long move. There was seven people here, eight including me.

"This is your room" one nurse said to me, stopping in front of a door to the right. Room 1202. They wheeled my stuff into the room, with me following behind. White, naked walls stood. Four walls, and one large window. Half of the blinds shut on the window. Two large panes of glass covered them. A bed pushed against the wall, with a closet to the right of it, and a nightstand to the left. Red paint was already above the bed, and I was told it was paint. And not blood. Not that I thought it was though. I quickly unpacked my things and turned my phone in. Apparently they didn't want photos being taken in the ward. Confidentiality. They gave me a short tour, showing me a music room, a patio, a courtyard, the bathrooms, the showers, patient rooms, a laundry room. Oh, and the lockup room.

There was a large area with two tables, a television that only played vcr recordings, and cds called the Common Area. Most because we were most commonly found there. It was around five now, and at five they ate. They being the patients. They being me included, because I was now a patient. "Everyday is one step closer to going home," my best friend texted me last. It was true. It's not that I missed home, I just wanted to be out of the hospital. I.V marks scarred my skin. Wrists. Forearm. Left arm where the elbow bends. Top of my feet. Ankles. Those marks were staying, and I was okay with that. Why was I okay with it? Because it showed where I was for all this time.

I attempted suicide. 300, maybe 600, seconds later and I would have completed it. I regret doing it very much. Of course, my parents will always live in fear that I might try that again. That my mood might be so low that I attempt death again. I tried doing that on April 29, 2017. Three more days and it will be a one month anniversary of almost dying.

It was five now and a man brought the dinner in. Hospital food wasn't the worst. I guess. I walked by a table and the cool youth care worker introduced me to Black Hoodie. His name wasn't actually Black Hoodie, but it would be best if there name was kept secret. Black Hoodie was once a girl, but now is a boy, or wanted to be considered as a boy. Transgender is what they call it, I suppose. Black Hoodie's reason for being named Black Hoodie will be told later

The next person I met was Good Kush. Good Kush was a girl. Not Transgender. Like Black Hoodie's name, the reason will be told later. She liked painting, or so I assumed because she was painting when I saw her. She was a party everyday kind of person. Which was okay because everyone there was their own person with their own story.

Clean Record was the next person I met. She was formal. She shook my hand. She meant business is what the Cool Youth Care Worker said. Clean Record was a nice, talkative brown person. I say brown person because me, her and another person was brown. Racist? I would hope not.

Three Days was the next person I met. He had brain damage. I don't have much more to say about him. He likes cars, and has a quick temper. He likes fist bumps and calling Good Kush pretty. I guess he had good taste in women. His last day I made him a card.

Halo Child was the next person I met. Don't be confused, Halo Child did not have a Halo above him. He loves Halo, the video game. Which is totally reasonable since he was still a young kid. He was discharged once before but brought back the next day.

Guitarist was the next person I saw. I say saw because I never actually talked to him. He was with his girlfriend for most of the day. Most of the time, actually. He wasn't a very talkative person. He sort of spaced himself away from the rest of us. He along with Clean Record and I was brown. It's a shame we didn't get to know one another.

I met Wheelchair next. Wheelchair's name will change later in the letters. I think you can infer why her name is Wheelchair currently. Wheelchair has beautiful green eyes, and a regina cougars sweater that's green and matches her eyes. She has a brown mark that covers the right side of her strong jaw line. Her wrist is covered with scratch marks. Her voice is soft and smooth. She's a trustable person. I also understand that the nickname "Wheelchair" may be a bit offensive, if so, sorry.

After dinner, we decided to watch a movie. Good Kush decided to watch Marley and Me. Everyone, except Guitarist, joined in. Black Hoodie made a few Manchester bombing jokes during it. He also revealed to everyone in the room he had brain damage from when his father would beat him. Sad, truly. Now if you know me that may sound sarcastic and it's not. I'm rude, but not that rude. How he said that was very directed at Halo Child but she sort of yelled it, so that being he indirectly told everyone that. He told me that he was a "horrible person" for those Manchester jokes and that he was sorry. I looked over to Wheelchair sometimes when he was saying those things and she looked tired, and done with Black Hoodie.

But, Halo Child was a very violent person. Annoying also. He annoyed Black Hoodie enough to spill his guts in front of us, spilling guts as in telling feelings. By the end of the movie, Good Kush was crying because Marly had died. Sorry if you hadn't seen the movie for spoiling it. They had given me my night-time morphine and clonidine. I was still being weaned off all the drugs they had put me on in PICU. PICU was intensive care, if you didn't know. I didn't expect you to know that though. I suppose I should say now that the person that yelled "Hey" at me was Three Days. At ten you have to be in your room, and asleep by eleven. And I have no clue what they do after that.

Love always,
-a