My therian journal

Reason for not writing

So I've been gone for a long time now not updating this journal and avoiding this like its a disease and there's a reason for it, for a while now I've been going to therapy seeing docs and getting myself some help due to the fact I'm dealing with voices and very bad depression and I've got to a point where I'm pushing everyone away and avoiding contact with people and I've began to feel like the voices are driving me insane which has caused me to avoid people Incase I lose it and hurt people.

Not only that but I've also took up smoking which has caused me to struggle with my breathing the reason I've took that up was cause of everyone piling their  problems onto me and a certain person in my college stalking me and harassing me for 2 years and only lately had my college bothered to do something when I confronted them about it for who knows long and they only started to deal with it when I told them I started feeling suicidal and cut myself cause how bad it's gotten there, only some of my friends have helped me with my problems but some of them have turned their backs on me and betrayed me I've started like I can't trust anyone there or around me anymore.

Hell even the tablets I'm taking that are supposed to help me don't even work since they have no effect on me at all which does not help one bit I've even mentioned it to my doctors and all they could say is "there's nothing we can do to help you" so I'm absolutely screwed tablet wise I just don't even know what to do anymore, lately I even feel like myself anymore like I'm not living my life but I'm living someone else even when I look in a mirror or window I don't see me but I see someone else.

But something else has been bothering a lot more I know I'm a boy but I don't feel like a boy but more like a girl I've noticed myself being attract to girls clothes more than I do boys hell even my mates have noticed it since when I'm around them they tell me I act more like a girl than I do a man I've tried brushing aside but only now I've noticed it like I'm changing to girl if anyone knows what its like I'm going through I could do with any help or advice on what I should do.

Thanks for reading guys I know it's been a while but I'm finally back and I'll being updating this whenever I can and when I've got time on my hands to do it as my parents are keeping me busy as of late.