Nightmares (the mortal instruments) (fanfiction) (cityof heavenly fire)

Promises (chapter 4)

Clary awoke to a dull haze, her eyes adjusting to the darkness of her room. For once she thought Jace isn’t here, I can take care of myself. She thought back to her last moments of consciousness and silently wondered how long she had been out and what had happened in the end with the poor man. Not one bone in her body believed what Jace had said about him being a spy for Sebastian.

Sebastian, just the thought of his name made her whole body shudder and suddenly feel where his hands had caressed her, said no screamed her name over and over. Clary begged for her emotional trauma to end.

Shaking her head, she struggled out of bed stumbling a little towards bathroom. The lights flicked on and she saw herself in mirror.

The figure before her looked nothing of the person it was reflecting, crazy fiery red curls tangled everywhere, eyes bright red and hollow, skinny as though she had not eaten in days. And as Clary thought back on the past weeks, she remembered picking around her food at the institute, Luke’s and her mums.

No wonder why everyone thought there was something wrong with her, she looked as though there was something wrong, something deep that haunted her nightmares and the conscious day.

There was a shining at the sink and Clary looked down to reveal a pair of scissors. Clary stared at them for a long time, wondering and waiting. Why were they so captivating? She reached down with shaking hands, guilt washing over her like tsunami waves, hurt, pain, she needed physical pain to balance out the mental raging war inside her head. Flashing images of Sebastian on top of her. There was nothing she could do.

She felt the searing pain before she even realized what she was doing. Clary looked down upon her wrists blood pooling out, she sliced again and again one for every emotion she held inside were now coming out. She felt release.

She dropped the scissors onto the ground the sound of the clattering echoing through the room. She stumbled into her bedroom and fell onto the one lounge chair waiting for the blood to stop flowing.

After a few minutes it did and she looked out to the blood splattered bathroom, the drips to the couch and the pools of blood seeping into the green couch. She collapsed back into the chair relaxing until Jace decided to interrupt her.

“Clary” he said cautiously. “Clary are you up, if so we need to talk.”

Clary wasn’t so sure if she wanted to talk, her body still repairing, but she pulled down the sleeves of her jumper, covering her marks, closed the bathroom door and opened the one that lead to Jace.

“Hey” she whispered, leaning against the door frame.

“Listen I-“Jace started but clary interrupted,

“No, no I need to apologise for being such bitch lately, I’m sorry I just, my temper boils over really easy and it’s been so stressful lately and…” Sebastian “ with everything that’s been going on, it just builds up, I’m sorry Jace”

Jace cupped her head in his hands in a loving gesture heating up clary everywhere.

“There’s just one thing I need you to do for me”

“And what’s that?” Clary questioned.

“Stay away from that Shadowhunter okay? Can you do that for me, please?”

Clary shifted her feet and drew back from Jace letting his hands fall. “Why?”

“Because I don’t trust him”

Clary stiffened and took a step back. ”You think he’s working for” Clary paused and gulped “Sebastian don’t you?”

Jace suddenly looked regretful and uncomfortable. “Well…”

“Well, he’s okay, there is nothing fishy about him, he’s probably lonely, he has no one where he is now, no one he’s all alone, he’s all alone and he needs someone to fix him, so I fixed him! He wants to see them all together mother, daughter, farther son…”

And with that she realised she had been talking about him and her.

She didn’t miss Sebastian she missed Jonathon or the thought of them, taking baths together as kids, playing around in the sun all day, over protective brother that would fight off unwanted perverts. That’s the kind of brother she wanted.

Jace’s eyes looked swollen and red like he was about to cry, “Oh Clary” he whispered. He tried to reach up and caress her face but Clary turned her head. He let his hand drop.

“Just promise me you won’t” he said in a pleading tone.

“I’m sorry Jace you know I can’t promise something like that, I have to see him, eventually, I have to see the outcomes of what I can do.”

Clary felt herself sway and stumble over her own feet, Jace placed to arms on either side of her steading her.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Clary placed her hand to her forehead. “Ah, yeah I just need to rest a bit longer I think”

“All right then” Jace tried to smile, his lips quivering. He placed a quick kiss to her cheek, “be careful, I love you”

Clary tried to say it back but she couldn’t, she didn’t know why she just could not form the right words.

Was it the guilt that held her back from loving him? Of course she loved him, but there was a mental wall stopping her from saying so.

Jace waited for her to reply, but when she didn’t he just said, “it’s okay. I understand”

But the thing was he didn’t understand, he knew nothing of her pain. He stood there for a while just observing Clary’s leaning figure until he silently walked away.

Clary shut the door behind her and slid down it her head resting on her knees.

She stayed like that until she was able to push Jace out of her mind. Clary stood up straight, grabbed her steal from her dresser and marched out the door towards the infirmary with one thought on her mind.

I have to know him.