Things I couldn't tell you || Haikyuu!! fanfiction

Number 4

Number 4 of the things I couldn't tell you: Forgetting about you hurt like hell...

Actually still thinking about you hurts.

The grass beneath me was no longer soft. It was covered in snow. But it still made me remember the memories I made with Kuroo from Spring to Fall.

But I remember how much it hurt to stop thinking about you.

It made me remember how he always was there for me... How much he helped me without even the intention to do so. We just talked. He was there for me. He offered me warmth. That's all.

How much it hurt giving up the hope that you'd ever come back to meet me at that riverside...

Yeah... He offered me warmth even though he was already giving it to someone else. I refused it. Even though I wanted to accept his offer...

And then he went.

How much the memories hurt you left me with.

He went off back to his own world. Back to the world in which I could not exist.

I was never yours.

That's all there was to it in Fall. That's all that happened.

And you were never mine.

It is Winter now.

But it still hurt like hell when you weren't there anymore.

And the space on the snow covered grass beside me is empty. He was no longer there.

I ended up skipping school and just laying there all day long until it was dark. Kuroo wouldn't come. I knew he wouldn't. He hasn't since two months ago. So why was I even still coming here every single day? Why was it that I couldn't just give him up?

I looked up at the stars. And for a moment I felt at ease. The stars were beautiful. Yet the fact that space was just a never ending void made me feel somewhat lonely...

But I couldn't do anything against it...

'What would it be like if he sat beside me right now?,' I wondered. What would we be talking about? Would I have been able to show you the many more constellations placed in the nightsky? Would you finally have looked at the sky instead of staring at me? Would I have been able to forget about you by slowly letting you go...?

Because at that moment letting you go was an unthinkable thought. It felt nearly impossible. And trying to do so hurt.

I suddenly heard a voice behind me. "Kasuka? What are you doing here? You should already be at home."

If only I hadn't recognized that voice. Maybe I would have had a small spark of hope that it was him, if I didn't know who it actually was...

"Mom... Why are you here?" My mother slowly stepped closer, trying not to trip. "I had to work an extra shift and just came back from the train station." She stood beside me. "What about you?"

There was a small moment of silence at that moment. It took me a while to reply. "Just... Thinking about stuff..."

My mother sighed at that response. But she didn't say anything. Instead she also layed down on the snowy grass, beside me. "Isn't this the place where you used to play when you were little? With those two boys?"
I just gave a small "Yeah." as an answer.

My mother laughed. "I remember one time you started crying when I picked you up, because you wanted to spend some more time with your friends."
I laughed a bit at that memory. "Well we still haven't decided who would win the game we played. So I wanted to keep on playing."
My mom went on. "And the day on it was raining all day so you weren't able to meet your friends."

It was quiet for a while. "Time sure flies by, doesn't it?" I nodded amd then noticed how my mother turned her head to me. "I received a call from your school today at work... They said you didn't come to attend classes. Is that true?"

At first I wasn't able to answer. It took me a few seconds to find my voice and to speak up. "I didn't feel like going..."

My mom turned her head back to the sky. "I see..."

After a while she stood up. "We should head home. Dad probably is waiting for us." She stroke the remaining snow from her jacket while I also stood up. We made our way home.

While walking, my mother started talking again. "You know... You don't have to keep everything for yourself, Kasuka. If you have problems, we want you to tell us." She smiled at me. "We are your parents after all."

That night I was left sleepless. Tetsurou was still part of my mind. But so were the words, my mom told me.

And actually that's all there is to this number on my list.

And the deeper I sunk into thoughts, the more it felt like it would be impossible to stop thinking about him...

That's all I got to say about number 4.

The things he did for me did not have an intention of achieving something. Nor did he himself had the intention of staying.

It hurt when you left. But that's normal when someone important leaves.

But what he had done for me and the feelings I felt for him still were there. The fact that he has been there for me when I needed someone to talk to so badly, hasn't changed.

I may not able to fight the pain. But as time comes it might eventually fade.

Thinking about you still hurt. But I was thankful for what you did. And for what you have done for me.

I am thankful.
I know I already said this a lot, but I am really really thankful. Even though you left me.

The ghost that you left behind in my heart slowly faded away. But I didn't forget you.

I never forgot you.

I just managed to stop thinking about you at some point.