Burning Brighter Than The Stars (Jalex)

Chapter 10

Today's December 5th and it finally started snowing. I love the snow not only because it means my birthday's coming up but the snow makes world look more beautiful. I always found watching snowflakes fall calming and it was one of the many things my mom and I used to do. She would make us hot chocolate and we would sit by the window in our pajamas and just watch the snow fall. I've been better when it comes to thinking about my mom's death but lately it's been harder to think about her. Christmas was her favorite holiday and this will be our first christmas without her. I really miss her. 

"Mr. Gaskarth can you tell me why the neolithic revolution is considered a turning point in history. Mr. Gaskarth? Mr. Gaskarth!" Jack taps me on the shoulder which snaps me out of my thoughts and I look up to the front of my Global class to see and angry Mrs. Hunter staring at me.

"What was the question?" I asks earning me a few laughs and looks from my fellow classmates.

"Why is the neolithic revolution considered a turning point in history?" She asks making me search my brain for the answer but I come up empty.

"I don't know" I say shrugging my shoulders and she gives me a disapproving look which makes me feel really stupid for not knowing the answer. I used to be really good at school but recently I can't focus and high school is just harder in general. If someone had told me eleventh grade was so hard I would have tried to find a way to avoid it. 

"Are you okay?" Jack whispers but it's loud enough for me to detect the concern in his voice. I nod and tell him i'm fine but the teacher must have heard me because she shoots me a look that tells me to shut up so I do. The bell rings shortly after and the class slowly files out but not fast enough.

"Alex can I speak with you for a second?" I quickly tell Jack i'll meet up with him at lunch before I turn around and walk over to Mrs. Hunter's desk.

"Alex your grades have not been the best lately and your focus in class is just not there. I'm afraid that if you don't get your grades up or start focusing in class then i'll have to call your brother and talk to him about options to help you in school" She says and I start to get nervous. Tom already has so much on his plate he doesn't need this to worry about too.

"I'll try harder I promise just give me a little time to sort some stuff out and then I'll get on top of my school stuff just please don't bug my brother with this, please" I pled and she lets me off with a warning. She hands me a pass to my next class but instead of going to science I head to the closest bathroom. I walk into the handicap stall and lock the door before I put my headphones in and sit on the floor against the wall. I try listening to my music to calm me down but it's not enough this time so I start to cry. 

I hate letting Tom down. He has done so much for me since mom died and I repay him with failing grades and not being able to focus. I'm a failure and will always be one. There is no hope for me. I'm broken beyond repair and I couldn't handle removing the broken pieces from my heart. As long as they stay there I will always feel like this but I don't know how to get rid of them. How am I supposed to break down these walls I've built over the years? I just need someone to tell me how.

I get up and turn off my music before I leave the stall and walk over to the sinks. My eyes look red and puffy so I try to make them look normal again but it's no use. After a few seconds I realize it's a lost cause and I walk out of the bathroom and head to my science classroom. I'm about to turn a corner but then I hear the one person I don't want to deal with at the moment.

"Hey Gayskarth glad to see you again." I turn around to see Zack and Travis walking down the hall in my direction. I don't dare move in fear that it will make things worse. They walk closer and once they're in front of me they start to mess with my hair and clothes while calling me awful names. I just let them mess with me hoping they would just leave me alone after a while. But after a while of them just messing with me Zack punches me in the stomach which sends me to the floor. I hold my stomach as I curl up into a ball in an attempt to protect myself but it doesn't work. Travis holds me down while Zack continues to hit me from my face to my lower abdomen. I try to get away but Travis is way stronger than me.

"You're weak"

Hit to the face.

"You're pathetic" 

Hit to the chest.

"You should just go kill yourself"

Hit to the stomach.

After a few more punches and hurtful words they finally leave me alone. I find the strength in me to get up and walk out of the building towards home. I remember that Tom was taking Mabel and Charlotte somewhere today so i'll have the house to myself which is just what I need right now. About ten minutes later I arrive at my house and I walk inside and upstairs to my room. I shut and lock both my bedroom door and bathroom door before I start to look for my blade, my best friend. 

"Where is it" I whisper to myself out of anger. When I do eventually find I cut my hand in the middle of my palm.

"Fuck!" I walk over and turn the faucet on to wash out the cut. Once it's cleaned and I bandage it I take my blade and sit on the floor after I pull my pants down enough to reveal my thigh. 

I deserve this

Cut.

Why can't I just die

Cut.

I'm weak

Cut.

I'm pathetic

Cut.

I want to just die

Cut.

I cut and cut until there is so much blood I can't see where the cuts are and I can barely see through the tears that are filling my eyes. I just lay my head back against the wall and take everything in. I would kill myself but I just can't do it. I'm too weak. I'm pulled back to reality when my phone starts to go off in the pocket of my jeans. I pull it out to see Jack's name on the screen and I don't know what to do. I decide to answer it, maybe Jack will make everything better.

"Jack?" I say in a faint whisper almost inaudible. 

"Alex where the hell are you i've been waiting for ever and you weren't answering my texts. Are you okay? Are you hurt?" He asks overwhelming me with questions.

"I did something bad" I say and Jack takes no time to respond.

"What did you do? Where are you?" 

"I'm at my house" I respond feeling the effects of blood loss coming on.

"Okay i'm on my way, I'll be there as soon as possible" He says hanging up the phone and leaving me to myself again. I was so stupid to do this. What will Jack think? What if he tells Tom? I can't let Tom find out. I can't. What would he say?