Lost.

Chapter 8 // Drown & Die Please

I lay in the in the bed Leslie and I shared, staring at the ceiling. After I ran out from the party, I had asked Matthew to come pick me up, and he did just so with a random car I wasn't familiar with. He had asked what was wrong and I desperately didn't want to rat out his sister even after all that she did to me. When I didn't respond, he didn't push the question any further which I was grateful for.

I had rubbed my face with my towel and nails so hard, I wasn't caring about the marks and scratches I might leave behind as I scrubbed the makeup off. I didn't want any traces of that party anywhere. I knew it was a bad idea from the beginning, but I was dumb enough to fall for Leslie and her deals. There I was, thinking it would be cool because Leslie was reassuring me, but I was wrong. I should've just stayed home with Matthew and watched television with him.

Matthew lay beside me, stroking my hair in a soothing way as I let out silent tears. Matthew shifts around in the bed, adjusting his shoulder beneath my head. The television flickers on and off, from commercial to show to commercial to show as I ignore everything around me, thinking to myself. I'm such a stupid human being for making stupid decisions.

"How have you been lately Grey?" Matthew whispers, rubbing circles along my back as I shut my eyes in tiredness and sadness. I will never figure out why people always must ask these kinds of questions to sad people. Obviously they're not alright or they're not fine.

"I'm okay." I lie which earns me a chuckle from Matthew.

"Typical girl lie. Seriously." Matthew smiles, soothingly running his finger tips along my skin. I pause for a moment, thinking about how I've really been lately. I mean, I've felt like shit lately, but how have I actually been? I move my head from Matthew's lap, resting it against the backboard of the bed. My brain is so scattered, I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore.

"I want to die Matthew." I whisper. "So much. I can't handle this anymore. I just want to go with my mom and sister already." Matthew looks at me heartbreakingly, I tear my eyes away from his tormenting ones.

I have been waiting, wanting, needing to kill myself. Life has become this huge burden on me, and its weight on my shoulders is becoming too much to bear. When will this all end, when will I end? I've been trying so hard to be sane and to push everything behind me, but everything is useless, it just makes the insanity within my heart and brain even worse. I'm just a constant reminder of what I've done to my family. It's all my entire fault. Why, I beg to know why. Why couldn't it have been me instead of them? They didn't deserve any of that, I do. I'm just a screw up.

"Grey, don't say that, there so many people that love you." Matthew says, placing his hand on mine. I snatch my hand away, frightened of him now. "You would be hurting so many people. You would break Leslie's heart, mine, and your father's. God Grey, your father would go insane!" Matthew rambles, throwing his hands in the air for effect.

Hell yeah my father'll go insane. But isn't he already just as insane as I am? We're all insane one way or another, but my father and I, it's a different kind of insanity nobody really wants or cares for. I'm surprised he hasn't broken yet like me.

"Grey, please don't think about those things." Matthew finished before rising up from his place on the bed and walking out of the room with a sigh while I throw my head into the pillows, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. Great, now he left me when I was going to protest why I should even be on this earth.

The one fact that hasn't failed to brainwash me was that thinking was bad for me. I would lock myself up in my thoughts, and slowly, internally, silently, eat myself away. All of my optimistic would get diminished and I would convince myself things that probably weren't true, but seemed true and valid to me.