Lost.

Chapter 12 // Embarrassing Anger

I expected my first kiss to be flawless, amazing, and flawless, but it was nothing what I had expected. In fact, it was the complete opposite. It was forced upon me rather than agreed and taken from me like a thief in the night. I always thought that the first kiss I shared with anyone would be something special in my life, but it wasn't. I hated every single bit of it, every little tug Corey made with his teeth on my lips, every aggressive feeling Corey was portraying as he repetitively pressed his mouth to mine, and every wrong feeling that boiled in the pit of my stomach as he tried shoving his tongue down my throat.

It was purely disgusting. Especially disgusting that Corey allowed his drunken self to kiss another girl when he was already committed to someone. I felt guilty and terrified of the outcome of Corey's horny actions. If Shayna finds out, I'm dead meat, but if I tell her that Corey kissed me and not the other way around, would she still believe me? I mean, I was sober.

My lips tingled with sensations, and not the good kind as I throw myself into the bed beside Matthew. He lays on his back, his chest rising and falling at every breath he draws in through his nostrils. Like always, his lips are tainted pink, slightly open ajar as soft snores escape his throat. My eyes linger on his lips, making me silently wish that I could have someone kiss me with beautiful lips like his. Corey's lips were dull and tasted like alcohol and cigar. I thought with this little glimmer of hope that my theories of love not existing would be proved wrong, but they weren't.

The things you longed for the most were always taken from you. And that is exactly what death and Corey took from me. The last little things I longed for, but they were just simply crushed, like my life.

I throw the sheets off of me angrily, fury raging through my veins as I rise to my feet stomping towards the door, not caring about waking up Matthew. For once, I was pissed, and not at myself only. I was pissed at the world. What did I have against the world? It took away everything from me. If Cora was so infatuated with that God and church of hers, was I that bad of child that God had to punish me? If he loves me, why has he forsaken me so greatly? I did everything that Cora told me to do, but nothing good came out of it.

I had no doubt that this life of mine and world I lived in surely hated me. God, I even hated me too. And not for only one reason, but for so many other reasons too. I wouldn't be surprised if other people hated me just as much as I did myself.

I stare at the image of myself in the mirror, grimacing at my reflection. I look completely trashed, and I know that I absolutely don't care. My lips are swollen and red, while my mascara and eyeliner run freely along my face with my tears. My eyes, my eyes are red and filled with the need for sleep, but I hate them so much. My fist connects to the mirror where my eyes are, causing everything I once saw to shatter into little bits just like my life did. My life crumbled into nothing, it crumbled into little pieces of items that can never be mended ever again.

I hold my bloodied knuckles up to my face, watching my trembling hand pour out blood. Purple and red surround my bones, blood dripping onto the floor. I push away the pain again, like always, not minding it for once. Who cares, who cares about me, being me is so frustrating. I slam the bathroom door shut with all of my force, striding towards the empty tub where I find myself sitting in and staring at the water faucet.

I had once been suicidal, when Cora was alive. Don't get me wrong, I still think I am at times throughout my life right now, but it was not as worse as the ones I get today. I hung out with the wrong crowd, and Leslie encouraged me. My father and sister and Gertrude warned me, but that didn't stop me. I envied all of the carefree dancers and smoker and drinkers who seemed all to just go with the flow and forget about the world around them. I wanted that too, until Cora slapped me back into shape, making me go to church with her, and pray, and help the children in need in out prominent town.