Attached to you || Book One || Bellarke Story

Chapter 6|| My anchor

It's been 2 half year since Praimfaya. And I tried may diffrent anchors: 

In the first year it was drawing like Clakre always did:

I was drawing her hair. This was really difficult, she made it look so easy. The light on her hair that was the hard part. Here on my drawing it just looked like light. But down at the earth. It sparkeled like the stars, it looked so light as a feather, it was as soft as wool. But at my drawing it was just hair of an ordinary girl. A tear dropped on my paper. And more were coming. I started to cry without a sound.

"Bellamy are you okay" said a soft voice behind me

I turned around just to see Raven. I whiped my tears away.

"Yeah Raven I'm okay"

"Bellamy I know you're not. I know you're not okay. And that is okay too. It's okay to be sad. You lost someone you deeply cared for. And it's okay to talk about it. I'm always here for you"

I couldn't handle it anymore longer, I broke down. The tears dripped down my face still onto my drawing. Raven looked at it.

"She made it look so easy, she made it look like everyone could do it. And the light on her hair it was down so beautifull, so soft, so real, so light. I.... I, I just miss her so much" I said through my tears

"I know Bellamy, we all miss her, she did it again she saved us all. I miss her to but I'm dealing with it in my own way. But I can see that you can't do this without her. Just find a diffrent anchor than this. Because this is taking you apart."

I knew Raven was right. I had to find a diffrent anchor. So I changed it.

 My second year was not better. It was maybe worse. Instead of drawing I made songs for her and would play them on my guitar I found.

I found my guitar about half a year ago. I was walking through the halls of the ark. And looking through all the windows of the apartments. And then I saw this beauty. I had some trouble making the door open. And I even had to get Monty. But as soon as I saw it I knew this was to become my next anchor. 
I'm was not very good at it but I was learning. I made very diffrent song. But one of my favourites is: let her go, and this is just a little piece of the lyrics:

 Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go  

It made me think of Clarke. Maybe thats the reason I wrote it. I was good at the writing part because I only had to think about Clarke and the words came out of the pen. But the playing was hard. I had to teach myself how to play it. And it was hard. Murphy helped me with it. Back on the ark he played to. But when he got to prison he couldn't anymore. So he helped me with it. We even became verry close. Piece by piece I started to learn.  We played very simple songs that didn't remind me of Clarke. But now I can play it fluently I started to make my own. And of course they did remind me of her.

Playing Let her go made me again think about clarke. I thought about the last words to her. She said that I had to hurry. But before that we had a good talk. She said something inspering, something true. I didn't use my head while I was leading. But I had her for that, so I didn't need to. She did that for me. I also told her that. And I was so close to saying some more but we were called over. I really wanted to say it to her. But for Clarke and I it just can't.

A tear rolled over my cheek just by playing the song.

"So Bellamy how are the songs going"

And again I whiped  it away.

"There going well" I said to Murphy

I guess you could see I had cried becuase Murphy was asking it to me.

"Bellamy have you cried, it's okay if you did. You lost someone you deeply cared for"

"Everyone keeps saying that like I don't know that myslef"I was becoming angry

"I know that I lost someone I cared for. Because I left her behind. I know that, okay because I did it. I did." angry I got up.

"I left her behind. The person were I cared most for after O. That I thought I never be able to live without because she kept me centerd. But I left her. And now she is dead. Because I left her behind. I did that."I was so angry I started thowing thing through the room.

"Okay bellamy I know you're angry, I know you're sad. But keep it down nothing has to break. And maybe you should find a new anchor again." said Murphy trying to comfort me

"And once again. Everybody says I need a new anchor because I have to deal with my loss. But what if I don't want to deal with it. What if I just want her back." angry as I was I stormed out of my room.

I never dealed with my anger about leaving Clarke behind. About not having her around. And I think that I just couln't handle it anymore. And I know Murphy was right I had to find once again a new anchor.

and this was my second anchor. But I think this one I have now this one is going to last. Because with this one I could express my feelings about everything.

I was again wandering off in the halls of the ark.When I found a letter. I was signed: for my love. I opend it and started to read. It was a love letter to someone named Hope. And this made me think. I just had to put down everything for Clarke about her. That is my new anchor.

I went back to my room got a pen and a paper:

Clarke I know you can't read this. But I'm still writing this to you. Maybe your soul is standing behind me and is reading along. So just here we go. Clarke I miss you everyday, every hour, every minute, every second of every day. And I know I should't have left you behind. Maybe if I just waited a second longer you were here with me. Maybe I had should stay down with you. I promised to keep you save but I didn't. And I'm so sorry for it. I know I'm stupid I should had stayed with you we should have went togheter to the tower and maybe then you were here with me. * a tear dropped on my paper* Clarke Griffin I miss you so much and being without you here made me relize that I just had to said it to you when we were still together. But Clarke Griffin I......I love you. And it takes for you to die to say it. And being here without you made me relize it.

Love, Bellamy

I couln't hold it back anymore and the tears were streaming down onto my face onte my desk in HER room.

This is a very long chapter I know. I hope you like it and please leave a vote and comment. I'm sorry for any gramma mistakes.