One Of The Girls

Chapter 14: Beatrix

I manage to sneak back inside without detection, and I text Josh that everything went according to plan once I've closed my bedroom door behind my back. I've got this terrible sinking feeling in my stomach, and I don't think it'll go away anytime soon. I had finally said it, finally admitted it, last night in his bedroom with the morning light barely making a dent in the darkness of his room. I admitted to loving him. However, it was more than that, I told him I always have.

I had resigned myself to silently loving him because it was easier than saying the words out loud. It was easier than getting hurt. It was easier than being fervently and energetically in love. Yes, being quietly and painfully in love is the easiest option.

But he made me say it out loud, and I'm getting hurt, and my heart hasn't calmed down. I've found myself swept up into the worst option of all. I am exposed. I am rejected. I am unrequited. A small part of me that was hidden all these years has suddenly been exposed, and I realize now just how much it meant to me. It was my secret, my treasure, and now it was out in the world. It could do damage now. It could come back to haunt me. It could grow and fester like a sore. But I only felt numb. There were so many feelings begging for my attention that my body was overwhelmed and I felt none of them.

When I had gone over these thought enough times in my mind that they seemed familiar, another wave hit me:

Alex.

In the beginning, when I was with Alex, I forgot about Josh altogether. It was like Alex's presence was enough to dim Josh's. I was stupid to think it would last. Josh's light never faded. It's just that, for a little while, Alex's was brighter. Alex chose me. I have never had someone choose me before. I know objectively that I should not let other people define me. I know that I matter, and I am beautiful, and I know that whether or not somebody wants to date me does not define whether or not I am desirable or worthy of love. But when you live as long as I have, and watched every other girl get chosen, year after year, grade after grade...You stop wondering what is wrong with everybody else for not picking you. You start to wonder what's wrong with yourself. That's what I had begun doing. If nobody wanted me, it was my fault. There was something wrong with me; there had to be. Otherwise, why was I the only one who didn't get a Candy Gram on Valentine's Day? Why did I never have a date to Homecoming before this year? Why had I never been on a date before Alex asked me out?

My appetite for being wanted had only grown larger and larger as the years went on. So, when Alex asked me to be his girlfriend, the happiness swelled up inside me like a hot air balloon. It was more than happiness, though, it was relief. I had proof now that there wasn't anything wrong with me. I had proof I could be wanted.

It's what I've always craved.

It would be an oversight to say that's the only thing I like about dating Alex. I like Alex. I like his cocky half-smile, I like his way of coming slow to understanding; I like how eager he is about everything. I really like his laugh, and his eyes, and I love the small moles on his arms. But I do not love him. I know that I don't love him because whatever feelings I think I have for him vanish when Josh enters the room.

Josh is an insurmountable burden. I love him without knowing how I fell for him, or when it all started, or from where I even learned how to love this strongly. I love him straightforwardly, without complexities or pride. I love him so much it feels like my chest is going to tear, like the emotion is something my human body wasn't equipped to handle. Like my body is too weak of a container for these feelings. I love him because I know no other alternative. I don't know how to stop.

I have no idea what to do, so I decide to ask Alex.

~

Sunday's sunset is golden and orange. From our parking space on the dam, I can see its reflection bouncing and dancing on the surface of the lake. It is beautiful and calming. It feels comfortable knowing that something so peaceful exists, and it feels reassuring to be able to look forward and see it in front of me. I look more at the lake than I do Alex's face as I explain everything to him. I tell him how much I love Josh, and how I am still in love with Josh even though I agreed to date him. I apologize for not being honest, and I find myself rambling. I'm like a broken record.

I love Josh. I'm sorry. I love Josh. I'm sorry. I love Josh. I'm—

"Hmm," is all Alex says in response to everything I've just said.

The words I need to say are hanging in the air. I need to say them, and I know that, but they are so hard. My throat tries to force them back down. I manage to get them out despite the resistance. "I think we should break up," I say, nervously. I've never broken up with anyone before in my life. The idea of ending a relationship seems so nuanced and so permanent. Never in a million years did I imagine myself being the one to end our relationship.

He looks away from the sunset and at my face, and then smiles, "I don't think that's entirely necessary, do you?"

Is he crazy? "What?"

"I mean, you have two options: be in love with Josh while being lonely and sad, or be in love with Josh and be with me."

I didn't know the second one was an option.

"A-Are you really okay with that?" I ask him.

"Are you?"

The idea had not crossed my mind. He's okay with it? He is okay with me being in love with someone else?

"Look, Trixie, from the start this," he gestures between the two of us, "wasn't really a serious thing, was it?"

"I mean, I guess not."

"And I really don't care if you've got feelings for Josh. I'm not jealous of him either. Besides, it's only a matter of time before you fall for me anyways," he winks at me, and I laugh. I didn't expect there to be laughing in this conversation. "So, which is it? Sad and alone, or sad and making out with me?" I use my lips to answer, but not with words.