One Of The Girls

Chapter 15: Josh

I wish there was a step above sorry. I know it exists, because I'm there, but there's no word to say it.

She looked at me, her eyes telling me that she knew what I was going to say. She'd seen it coming, I'm sure. The knowledge that this wasn't a surprise to Jenna made the whole thing feel a lot worse.

Jenna looked as beautiful as the very first time I saw her, and I knew in that moment how lucky I was to have held her and how lucky I'd been to call her my girlfriend.

"Jenna, I—"

"I know you're breaking up with me," she said. I couldn't read her emotions. Was she angry? Or was she just feeling defensive?

"Yeah, I am," was all I could say. I felt weak, like I didn't deserve to be in the situation I was in. I don't deserve either her or Bee if I didn't have the conviction in that moment to tell either of them how I really felt. If I couldn't be confident in my decisions, did I really have the right to make them?

Jenna crossed her arms, and leaned back against the soft leather couch in her most comfortable living room. She was sitting beside me, but I had my elbows on my knees, leaning forward. I couldn't relax enough to lean back, and I certainly couldn't muster up the courage to look at her. This was the hardest thing I had ever had to do.

I spoke again, "I'm sorry, Jenna. I could never really commit to you because my heart was somewhere else. I didn't know it myself until recently, but I should have known." I felt so stupid and low in that moment.

"No shit, Sherlock," she quipped back at me. I didn't see them, but I'm sure her eyes rolled. "It's Beatrix, isn't it?" she asked.

I owed her the truth, and I still do, "Yes."

"Of course it is."

"I didn't know how I felt about her."

"What? Are you lying to me, or just stupider than I thought? How could you not know that? God, everyone at school knows that you're in love with her!" she was yelling now.

I knew she would be mad, but i wasn't expecting rage. She had always assured me that she wasn't serious about me. "Why are you getting so upset? I thought you weren't serious about this relationship anyways."

I hardly finish the last word before she cuts in, "Yeah, but that wasn't an excuse to cheat on me!"
"I didn't cheat on you! I would never do that," I stood up now. She followed and stood up too.

"Having feelings for someone else is cheating, Josh!"

"Then why, why did you date me? If you knew all along, why did you date me?"

She never gave me an answer.

That was Sunday evening, and I haven't spoken to her since. Sunday night, it was hard to fall asleep. The guilt was eating me alive. But also, the knowledge that my bed is big enough for two maintained my sleepy thoughts, and I tried very hard, but failed, to fall asleep despite the empty space. It's Monday afternoon, now, and I'm standing outside with Noah in the parking lot. We're waiting for Drew to get out of his afterschool guitar lessons so we can head home. You can see the football field very clearly from here. You can see all of the little testosterone junkies in their plastic armor doing the same exercises they do every practice. They are drenched in sweat, and they remind me of angry wild animals when they ram their bodies into one another. Brute strength, a quality I will never possess. I have come to terms with my brittle frame, but I have not yet come to terms with the fact that Bee has chosen a literal beast to be her boyfriend. She is standing just off the field with some other audience members, watching the dog fight unfurl. She doesn't fit in there. Her intentions are too pure. As the others revel in the brutality of the practice drills, she soaks up the experience of watching her boyfriend at football practice like it is the sun and she is a lily. Her shouts of encouragement tear my chest. I sound dramatic, but they do. I'm still not used to her cheering for anyone but me.

"I gotta say, I still don't get why she's with him," I say to Noah.

"I can," muses Noah. He likes big buys, so I immediately understand the mistake I've made. He's definitely on Bee's side in this. I'm sure he sympathizes more with Bee than me on this issue. I can still to get him to see the light, though.

"Okay, but under all that muscle mass is just an asshole."

"You're not making him seem any less appealing," jokes Noah.

"Noah, really. It's not like he's a nice guy. She deserves a nice guy."

"Who are you to say he's not a nice guy?"

"Come on, Noah, he's the worst. You know that."

"Maybe I do, but I as far as I'm concerned, the most important thing is how he treats Bee. I don't really care about anything else besides that." Noah manages to show me the light, and it's blinding.

He's right, what matters is whether or not Bee is happy, and if he's treating her well. It doesn't matter if I don't like him. It matters that he doesn't do anything to hurt her. It's selfish to say that she shouldn't date him simply because I don't get along with him.

"So, now that you've broken up with Jenna, what are you gonna do now?"

I watch as Alex breaks from the line-up and runs to the sidelines to give Bee a sweaty kiss, and she reacts as if he's just given her the greatest gift of all time. She's happy. Never in a million years will I be responsible for ruining that again.

"Nothing." Drew exits the school from the side door and says goodbye to a cute girl from his guitar lessons. He walks towards us, and I go ahead and get in and start the car. Bee is catching a ride home with Alex today, so we depart the school parking lot with a guitar case in her otherwise empty seat. I grip the steering wheel tighter, bracing myself for a lot more rides home without her in the future.