The next couple of days felt the same. Wake up, eat, rehearse, work out, eat, go to sleep. I felt like a robot. My actions were being controlled as well as my own fucking mind. It's like I wasn't even a human any more. It's a miserable and empty feeling to feel absolutely nothing and absolutely everything at the same time.
As much as I loved you I hated seeing you. I hated talking to you. I hated being around you. Nothing hurt more but nothing felt more right. Nothing I could possibly do could get me out of this situation. So I left. I didn't tell you or any of the others where I was going. We didn't have a show that night, despite us still having rehearsals. I took a train back home and went to talk to my mum for a bit. She always knew how to help me and she always knew what to say when I needed her. I wasn't afraid to tell her anything. She suspected things anyway and now was the time to let everything out.
On the train ride there I rang her to give her a heads up that I was coming. She was surprised and asked if I was okay. Holding back tears I answered her with a no and hung up. It was hard thinking about how everything has changed and how I wasn't able to be myself any more. I wasn't Louis anymore and soon you wouldn't be Harry any more. I begged them not to do this to you too but I knew that in the long run it wouldn't matter what I said or did because they were evil and had no consideration for us and how we felt. Ruthless bastards.
Mum was surprised to see me and opened her arms right to me as I walked through the door. I couldn't hold my emotions back any more and cried right there on her shoulder. I remember her guiding me to my old room and sitting me down and asking me what was wrong and what was going on. I told her everything. I told her things I wish I could tell you. I told her how I loved you. I told her what I wanted to tell you so badly.
I couldn't. And I'd never be able to.
