That's the only word that describes the temperature in the room. I can't feel anything else except the cold as it gets under my skin. I give a light shiver, wishing my uniform had long sleeves instead of the T-shirt style it is.
I stand alone in the room, trying to be strong. I can't, honestly. But I know I must, for them. For no one, for everyone, for anyone. It's my turn now, and I have always wanted to become what I am now.
But never this way.
How could this happen? It all happened so fast, it makes me question my perception of time. Was it truly the hours that it was, instead of the minutes, the seconds, it feels like?
And then she runs in. Uninvited. My unsuspecting brain jumps at the sound of the doors opening.
"Mama?" a young voice calls. A little girl's voice.
"MAMA!" the voice repeats. I can't even see the face of the young child, but I know she is breaking inside.
And that's when two more words escape my lips, "I'm sorry."
She cries, I cry. I could have stopped this. I could have done something.
But no.
It happened.
My best friend Selar is dead.
• • • • •
I stand in my quarters a few days later, buttoning up my outfit. I wear the formal coat provided years ago for occasions like this. As the new captain of the Enterprise, I inherit Selar's fourth pip.
Jonas has sunken back towards alcohol. I have taken Soya on the nights he seems really bad. I tell her the story of how her brave and strong mother fought against a horrible man on Vulcan for her own freedom. She breaks with tears every single time I start. As Soya's godmother, I have become her second mother.
But I know I will never be as good as Selar.
The crew is rattled. T'Lyra, who normally was not on the best terms with Selar, even has sunken into a bit of sadness.
To the Vulcans I show no sympathy for the lost man. Of course, I still respect them and their culture, but if his family attempts to talk to the Enterprise, I order them to be shut off.
My friends are sad now since there is one less person to hang out with. All of these years, we have been friends.
And to myself, I ask why. Why did this happen, why couldn't I run faster? They said if we were half of a minute sooner Selar would have a better chance of living. But no, me and my slow legs.
Why? Why is the universe so cruel?
I now have the legacy I have always wanted. I am the youngest captain in the Fleet at twenty-two, beating Selar's record by just a year.
But I never wanted it this way.
Stepping out of my quarters, I walk alone. Cora's son, Adam, has also become my son. I sigh as I walk down towards where the funeral is being had.
Many officers give speeches about the woman Selar was, including Jonas and little Soya. I close the funeral with one of my own, and then everyone leaves. I have time alone with Selar's casket and corpse, and I burst into sobs next to it.
"If only you could have stayed," I whisper. "I'm not ready. You have always been my teacher and my guide, and the one who will always help me when my mental state gets bad. I've always been by your side..."
"Selar, you were my sister. I ashaya du."
And if the afterlife exists, I hope she's happy as can be.
I don't know if I can do this.
"Goodbye."
And her casket is ejected into space.
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So I was thinking... Remember Amok Time the mission?
Trinity nearly killed Sel off, after she was bleeding out. (Obviously, that did not happen.)
So that got my evil mind thinking, "What if she did die?"
