Josephine's Secret

23. No Future

23. No Future: Josephine's Pov

Chapter Goal: 275 votes

QOTC- what are your Wattpad petpeeves? (one of mine is when you read a book, get to the end where there's a cliffhanger, and then figure out that the author hasn't updated since 2014)

"Don't let me go numb, Archer. Please."

I don't know what to do at this point. My life has been a wreck for so long that I haven't noticed how bad things got until now. And I'm not even talking about the things that other people caused; I'm talking about the things that I let myself get into and the things that I started myself.

In my opinion, the fighting wasn't even the worst part of it all. It's all the shit that went on in my head that really fucked me up. At first, I would try distracting myself with work, fighting, and just causing trouble, but none of that really helped me. It wasn't until I turned to drinking that I started thinking things were changing.

And they were.

But things weren't changing for the better like I thought they were. Every bottle I downed just caused me to dig a deeper hole for myself.

I became numb to all the emotions I was feeling, and that's when it really got bad. When you're able to feel everything, you're in a bad place because you know you don't want this for yourself. But when you go numb, the whole game turns upside-down. You stop caring about whether or not you want this for yourself and you stop caring about whether or not you're going to get out of the place you're in.

"Promise me you won't let me." I sob, not bothering to hold back my tears anymore.

"Promise not to let you what, darling?" Archer asks, seeming confused about what's going on.

I open my mouth to answer him, but I can't get my words out. "Go numb." I whisper, my voice breaking even more as I speak. "Promise me you won't let me go numb."

"I promise." he nods, taking both of my hands and holding them to his chest.

"It's not good." I shake my head, trying to steady my breathing enough to speak a little clearer. "The things going on in my head aren't getting any better"

My mind is a scary place, I can't deny that. Archer being able to read my thoughts and look into my mind is one of the reasons why I'm a little hesitant to let him mark me. Anyone being about to get a glimpse of what goes on in my head is almost as scary as the things I think about throughout the day- another reason why I sleep so often now.

The more time I spend sleeping, the less time I get to dwell in my thoughts and start thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. A con to that is the nightmares I'm constantly haunted by, but to me, those nightmares are better than the feeling of wanting to pop open a nice cold beer. I'm still tempted to go to the bar. I'm not sure if it's because I missed being able to do whatever I wanted or if it's the alcohol, but I think it's a mixture of both.

Alcohol does wonders for me and so does wolfsbane.

It's been a habit of mine for a long time and I just recently stopped a couple months ago when I decided to give Archer a chance. I've spoken to him a little bit about those habits, but I never went into detail. Maybe it's for a reason? Maybe it's because all the details are fuzzy in my mind?

"What are you talking about, Josephine?" he asks, managing to get my attention again. "What's going on in your head?"

"My thoughts." I murmur, blankly staring at our joined hands. "I keep wanting to do things that I shouldn't. Things that I know aren't good for me."