My Beautiful Mind

17.

Excess. Overwhelming excess oozes from the blinding neon strobe lights, ear-splitting music, clouds of cigarette smoke, and raucous talking and laughter. Given how late it's getting back in Eastern Standard Time, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if my mind has fallen into some sort of psychedelic in between state of consciousness. My body instinctively wants to curl into itself in a desperate act of defense against the suffocating overstimulation that threatens to swallow me whole. A small part of me, a terribly selfish part of me, wished somehow that our IDs weren't foolproof enough to gain us entrance into the casino, but as we were allowed to advance deeper into the cesspool of mindless escape, I tried to shove my disappointment down into the depths of my mind.

I wobble unsteadily in my heels as the girls and I enter the main area of the casino complete with slot machines, poker tables, and an expansive bar. Men dressed immaculately in suits leer at us from their places at carefully placed seats. Women, clad in 'dresses' far more revealing than ours narrow their eyes at us over the rims of their martini glasses. At this point, I forget what fresh, crisp air smells and feels like going down my windpipe as the stench of cigarette smoke, alcohol, and sex stews in the casino heavier than humidity on a hot summer's day. As soon as I detect the girls moving forward, I instantly huddle closer to them, clinging to their sides as the only source of stability for what seems like miles on end. Over the heavy, pounding music coming from the dance floor, Cordelia declares that she's going to get us all drinks on her, while Emy announces she's off to find the ladies' room to freshen up and Adela mentions she's going to loosen herself up at a slot machine before going to a table.

Before I can choose which girl to latch myself onto, the DJ announces he's going to play a special set and swarms of people scatter the five of us in their haste to get to the dance floor. I only catch a glimpse of Mila tagging along with Emy before they too vanish in the sea of chaos. When the rush dies down and I can once again see everything, I notice I'm standing all alone in the middle of the area, Mila, Cordelia, Adela, and Emy nowhere in sight. As I'm left to my own devices, my anxiety finds the all-clear to take over my body. My head pounds as the sights and sounds assault my sensitive senses. My breaths are ragged as the tightness of my dress coupled with the thick air restricts my lungs. The backs of the heels of my feet ache as the unforgiving material of my shoes digs into the delicate flesh. As my body goes into overdrive, I feel prying, predatory eyes on me like vultures ready to swoop in.

Smothering a sob, I force myself to walk steadily to a corner so I can try to calm myself down. Feeling of a wall against my back to shield my body, I wrap my arms around myself and hang my head low to look at my blistered feet to silently cry the fear and panic out of my mind. Between the pounding beats of my heart, I can't wrap my head around the circumstances in which Evan created Alejandro in the first place. If the crime lord is anything like my brother, I'm terrified to find what they have in common. Since discovering Evan's inner strife through Mathias, I'm not sure how much of the Evan I knew would be left by the time we sent Alejandro, Elryian, and Jonathan back to their creator.

Just as I lost control of my mind and body the second I entered the casino, I lose any sense of time. The sound of heels striking the marbled floor snaps me back to reality and I drag my miserable, tormented eyes to Adela's understanding, concerned ones. Through the swirling amber, she tells me that she sees me through the pandemonium of this psychedelic nightmare. She tells me my own version of strength and power thrums through my veins as clear as day to her when others in this establishment don't recognize it.

"I'm so sorry, Elin. I've been searching for you since the moment I realized we were separated." She gently takes my cold, clammy hand in her own and I clutch it in an iron grip. As I readjust my body to a constant, steady anchor, Adela presses her temple to mine, "I'm here and I see you." My mind whirls at her words. She sees me. She sees me. She sees me. No one ever does. When the sights and sounds don't seem so menacing to me anymore, Adela leads me back to the middle of the gaming room to a slot machine where Mila, Cordelia, and Emy gather with drinks in their hands. "Elin, by the Hunt, a thousand apologies.People kept coming and going and by then, I could not see you anymore." She thrusts a gin and tonic into my open right hand and tips back her glass of whiskey, "Drink, Elin. We need all the courage we can get before Adela lures out the crime lord."