My Beautiful Mind

25.

"Elin," Cordelia says quietly, "what is Elryian talking about?" The girls have abandoned their preparations, not letting us leave until they finally get the answers they rightfully deserve. They make a circle around Jamie and I, looking at me with a range of emotions on their faces–hurt being the most prominent out of all of them. I can't bear meeting Cordelia's gaze for any longer than a second, the betrayal on her face just as strong as mine that night. But please, no more secrets? The Hunter's words come right back at me, a reminder of my broken promise. "It's not something Elin likes to talk about, please just give her time," Jamie says, defending me the best he can. Adela whirls on him, her features twisting into anger, "You stay the hell out of this. This is between Elin and us." "What are you hiding, Elin? You kept Jamie from us, and now we're just learning about your past, a past you've never cared to share with us," Mila says, her brows furrowing as if she doesn't recognize me anymore. Cordelia turns from glaring at Jamie to focus her attention back to me, "Don't you trust us?"

My legs buckle and I sink to my knees in the mud in front of them with my head bowed. It's all too much. All that anger, disappointment, hurt, betrayal directed at my fragile heart, one that's barely started to heal. I put my head in my hands. "I put my trust–everything I had–into one person before," I croak, tears leaking from my eyes. "I tried to tell you all multiple times, but none of you would let me finish," I whisper. "Elin," Jamie murmurs softly, getting on his own knees to wipe the moisture from my cheeks with the back of his hand. He wraps a steady, strong arm around me to keep me from falling apart.

"Her name was Amanda–" I shudder at the vile name on my lips, "–a new student from Seattle. As she was adjusting to a new school, she approached me in class wanting to get to know me. I'd only hung out with Evan and Jamie, content with just the two of them, but she was so energetic and fearless–someone I always wanted to be, someone I hoped I could be as her friend. But one night, she said she was taking me to a tarot card reading, instead we ended up in an empty warehouse. She–s-she f-forced m-me inside and these boys she's had her eye on t-tied me down in a chair. She told them everything, gave away precious, intimate parts of me that I'd gifted to her and her alone, just to impress them. Jamie and Evan had tracked me down through my phone when I didn't come home on time."

I lean my head on Jamie's shoulder and took one shaky breath, "Amanda and the boys were arrested for breaking and entering as well as suspended from school. Amanda's family packed up and moved back to Seattle a week after the incident. I was lucky to never be in contact with those boys for the rest of high school." I keep my eyes on my mud-crusted pants, unable to look up to discern their reactions. Pathetic. Two years later, I'm so fucked up that I can't even bring myself to fully commit to Mila, Cordelia, Adela, and Emy, my creations–precious, intimate parts of me in their own right. My terror of being reduced to an empty husk of nothingness keeping my brain on a tight leash everywhere I go. I swear I can hear her triumphant laughter echoing in the valley.

She wins; she always wins.

"Gathering the courage to revisit that dark time in your life for us, no matter how overdue, I believe, is a victory in itself." I tear my eyes from the ground to identify the source of the voice. Emy kneels in the mud to be eye-level with me, forgiveness and pride making themselves known in the emerald irises. "I would like to apologize on behalf of all of us, for not hearing you out the first several times, for our extreme reactions before we gave you a chance to explain your side of the story." Emy grabs my hands from my lap. "But I am not going to waste your time insisting over and over again that we are nothing like her–you already know that. It is up to you to fight that trauma..." "...and we will be there every step of the way," Cordelia finishes for Emy. The Hunter hauls me up from the mud and envelops me in a bone-crushing hug. The rest of the girls rush toward me to give me a group hug. After a few seconds, Adela reaches out an arm for Jamie to join. "Thank you for being there for Elin when we couldn't," she says.