My Beautiful Mind

18.

Life keeps going by at a much faster pace from the view of a park bench. Families pushing strollers stroll up and down the winding paths. Joggers weave through food carts with panting, drooling dogs. Pigeons swoop up and down in the sky on the hunt for scraps left behind. The sun travels unwaveringly across the horizon until it makes its inevitable descent. I don't know how long I've sat here reminding myself of the unrelenting, unforgiving momentum of time, bundled up in layers of clothing to withstand the bitter cold of early January. All I know is that I couldn't stay trapped in my bedroom forever in a false sense of frozen eternity. It's only been a little over a week and I've already gone hiking in the forests of Peru and drinking and gambling in San Diego. But with visits to the fae kingdom of Cymriath and England left, I'd do well to remember the life I have waiting for me, a life of studying at college, applying for study abroad programs, finding internships, and eventually, a career.

A life that doesn't seem to really interest me anymore, not when I've only gotten a taste of the magic and wonder I miraculously have the ability to create with my thoughts alone. I'm not so sure how much more I can endure of that crushing disappointment, that slap in the face of cold reality when I return to an existence in which my demons eagerly wait to torment me as I struggle to graduate from college and find a job. For a time, those two goals kept me going, got me out of bed every morning. Now, I'm beginning to think it's no longer enough.

Take me with you, my eyes conveyed to anyone who'd meet my gaze the night we narrowly escaped the police at the casino. Emy was the first to notice the desperation plastered shamelessly on my face and gently took my shoes off. Mila peeled back the covers of my bed and Cordelia helped me under them. "Please," I kept begging them even as my head hit the pillow, even as Adela turned the light off, even as the girls returned to their worlds, even as the room was entirely empty.

I take a deep breath and fumble for my phone in my jacket pocket. With butterflies fluttering rapidly in my stomach, I hit speed dial and put the phone to my ear. It rings only two times before a heart-warming, gentle voice I missed so much caresses my starved ear.

"Elin," Jamie whispers with so much relief and joy. I close my eyes as I relish in the blissful memories Evan, Jamie, and I had together. "J-Jamie," is all I can blurt out before I let out a strangled sound, a noise of a tangled mess of emotions I'm feeling right now. I hear shuffling on the other line before Jamie speaks again, this time frantic. "Elin, are you alright? Where are you, I can meet you–" I shake my head, but realizing he can't see it, I cut him off. "No, no, its fine, I'm fine, really. There's no need to go out of your way. I just needed to hear your voice right now." Jamie is silent for a moment. "I miss you so fucking much," he croaks out, his rare instance of cursing only serving to emphasize the intensity and sincerity of his words. I have a hand over my mouth to prevent myself from letting out sobs. After months of cowardly avoidance, I've got it through my thick skull how much I need him, how much he needs me. "C-can w-we m-meet at the library on Thursday at ten?" I ask desperately. "Yes, of course," Evan breathes, then pauses, "A-are you back?"

I know he doesn't mean it in the literal sense. "Yes, I'm back," I answer more confidently than I ever spoken in quite awhile. It takes us a few more minutes before both of us can bring ourselves to hang up. When we do, I clutch my phone in my hands tightly, hoping I have my best friend again.

The sound of vendors packing up their carts for the night signals to me that maybe I should head home. Walking down a path, I notice a woman curled up a bench with a ratty blanket; she's shivering and I heart breaks knowing she'll have to survive the night like this. I fish through my pockets for any spare change and come up with a ten dollar bill–not much, but enough to buy some hot food. I walk up to the woman and lightly touch her shoulder. When I press the crinkled bill in her hand, her eyes brim with tears. "God bless you, God bless you," she whispers. I smile at her and continue on my way home. After a few steps, I turn around to see she's clutched the bill in her hands as if it were her lifeline.