A light of my life [DD fanfiction]

Dear Lucien.

I hugged you hard.

But not too hard. You were very fragile.

My little flower. My beautiful son. The light of my life.

Your father left, just when he found out, we are having a baby. Why?

He couldn't handle me, my real face. Because I wasn't always, who I am, my dear Lucien.

This can suprise you, but I'm your mother as well, as I am your father. Suprised? You sure are, darling.

Holding you close, and realising, you are a man inside woman's body, was frustrating.

But let's start from the very beggining.

I got married really fast. And I got pregnat, really fast. My husband wasn't about to have children. Though, he loved to tire me at night. All night. Once, his plan broke down. It turned out, that I'm pregnat. Same day, I was about to say, that I feel something another than being perfect woman.

He broke down as well as his plan for, having sex with me everyday and every night till we both die, I guess. He started drinking more and more, and I was afraid to death.

Do you know, who was with me all the time?

Aunt Mary. She was here all the time, when noone else would. We went toghether, through many phases, and I stopped in the Goth one, as it seems.

In third trimester, it started to get rough, and she let me stay at her place. It was wonderful. She took care of me, and she encouraged me to take care of you. I don't want to scare you here, but I was about to give you to other people. To adoption.

Don't get me wrong, sweetheart. I was a person in complete opression, looking for any good options. It was too late for abortion. And I knew it's not going to be healthy for you, to watch your mother transforming into father.

But then she said:

'He is going to love you forever.' because we already knew, your are going to be a boy. And when she said so, it was the first time, you kicked. I felt it so clearly, and I couldn't help crying.

She was with me all time, as I said, in the day you were born. She was holding my hand, and laughing to me so I was laughing through pain and tears.

And then, I finally saw your face. Your giant eyes, looking at me, when you finally stopped crying. And crushing my finger, when you held it with your tiny hand. I was mismerized. Light of rising sun was shining just at your face, but you, oh Lucien, you ignored the light and focused at me.

'So, what's going to be his name?' Mary asked, looking at you. I smiled, and laughed. And you laughed along.

'Lucien.' I admit, hugging you to my face, and kissing you in your forhead. When she asked, why Lucien, I answered

'He is the light of my life.'.

Because you are.

***
I was at Mary's place for long time. When you were 6 months old, she came to me and showed engagement ring on her hand.

'I'm getting married, could you believe it!?'

She was sqeaking like a dog toy. I felt so happy for her, I would probably dance and party with her. If I hadn't you.

She was about to live with her new partner, and I decided, that it's time to go back home. She was denying for long. Then, it turned out, that she was actually moving from here. Her fiance sold her flat, and bought them house in cul-de-sac, in another city, far from here.

I swear, she was blowing with anger when she found out about it. And about fact, that she couldn't do anything about my safety.

'We will be okay.' I said to her again and again, hugging her for our last goodbye. Mary said she is not believing me, and it was the last time I saw her.

We got back home, and what I saw, was hell.

I'm not going to tell you about it. It was just all wrong.

I started hormonal curation by that time, and everything started to change.

Then, I got hit for the first time.

And the last time.

I was sleeping on the couch, with you, next to me. That night, I thought, if he could hit me, it wouldn't be a big problem for him to hurt you, right?

So I got up. Took all the money. Packed my things, not unpacked from coming back from Mary's place yet. Got into the car with you, in your baby carrier, sleeping like an angel. So innocent and helpless. Unconscious for all of this.

Next morning, I called a man, that had a house, where we could live for a little bit. Far away from the place, where you greeted the world.

My hair started to get longer. When you started to getting bored, you would pull them for whole hour, with excitment.

And I was trying so hard to teach you how to talk or how to walk. But it seemed, you don't want to. You would start to cry, anytime I tried to pull you up so you can stand.

We moved into dark house, where we could stay. I was happy and afraid, at both. If I can make it?

Raising a child alone is hard. Only endless love to you could hold me into this.

***
I started to have those bad, anxious moments. When I was extremly sad, and then I was extremly angry. When you started crying, I would cry along. Couldn't help those emotions. My hormonal changes were too much to carry. And then... a random act of kindess happend.