Smoke • Sander Sides •

The Beginning

Trigger warnings for yelling, fighting, anxiety attack, and brief suicidal thoughts.

Another story! This is so much more serious than anything I've ever wrote before, so beware.

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I knew whenever Thomas was having an attack.

The clouds outside of my window would grow a dark gloomy grey, my room would shake, yet no one else's would. My bags would become worse, and I'd feel completely and utterly alone.

It had been happening more often now.

Despite being Anxiety, I never actually knew what set off his attacks. Possibly an unknown force that causes Thomas to have self doubt, Logan said. But there was so much more to it.

I could just feel as if there were shadows hovering over me, scratching at my skin, pulling my hair. It's why I would never sleep. Hell, I've even gone a whole week with out getting some sort of rest. Yes, I know it is bad for my health, and Thomas's, but I can not help it.

That's what the other sides and Thomas never understood, and I got that. But it hurts, being told every day you're literally an awful, horrendous monster who only causes others pain and misery.

Well, that's at least what it had sounded like. Even Patton had his moments, surely rare, but they were still there.

Thomas had been getting anxiety attacks every day. He couldn't make videos, sleep or eat. He was gloomy, despite the efforts of Morality and Princey.

Logan even tried to provide his 'feelings', and you can imagine how that turned out.

That's how it came back to now. Me, here, alone in his bed, shaking, crying, looking out at the thunder and lightening. I wished to be different. I wished to be better. I wished to be gone.

Maybe it'd be better if I would just-

A sudden knocking interrupted my thoughts and visions, causing me to jolt up and cling to my ever so dark bed sheets.

I wiped away any evidence of my breakdown, no one needed to see that. I could come off as weak, and vulnerable.

I was scared of course, who would be at my door? Maybe Patton? Definitely not Logan. Maybe Princey had come to insult me.

The door opened, despite not giving my blessing to who ever was on the other side of the door. The dad figure walked in slightly, but not too much. Patton tried his best to be nice to me, for whatever reason, but I know he was just as mad and angry as the others.

I looked down, fiddling my fingers nervously. "Son, dinner is ready if you want to come and eat something!"

I growned at the nickname, keeping my image straight. "I'm not your son, Pat. I'm also not eating."

The older personality frowned, walking towards me. "Anxiety, we love you. Despite your flaws, we would give our lives in a second for you. You're just like a child to me, my child, and sometimes children make mistakes."

I looked up, wanting ever so badly to cry, to thank him for his words, to tell him that's why I kept living, to give the side a hug, did he really feel this way about me?

But I had kept to my demeanour. No one could take away my strength. It's all I had.

"Fine. I'll come to dinner."

Patton jumped up in delight and clapped his hands together, then grabbing mine and rushing to the kitchen where Princey and Logan were already eating.

Logan gave me an off-putting smile, while Roman sat there ignoring my presence all together.

I had already regretted my decision.

Patton smiled, "Look who has decided to join us for dinner! Say hello to him Logan."

Logan sighed, rubbing his temple. "Hello, Anxiety." he spoke out. You could hear his unpleasantness in just those two tiny words.

I waved backed, put my hand back down, and Patton huffed.

"You too, Roman."

I wanted Morality to stop, but it was too late. The prince figure was already glaring at me, I could feel the hatred within his eyes.

"Hello."

I looked down, immediately wanting to run away from the whole entire scene, but I stayed still. Oddly enough, I didn't want to disappoint Patton by running away from my problems.

Fight or flight.

I sat down on a chair farther from everyone else so would have more luck not having awkward social interactions.

Logan grabbed a napkin, wiping at his mouth. "Thomas has been acting rather strangely, don't you think Virgil?"

I looked up from my food, nerves suddenly hitting me. "Yeah, I suppose he has."

I give a nervous glance to Patton as Roman is gripping his fork so tightly I think it will pop.

"You don't know anything about this?" he asked again, this time causing me to gulp and bite my lip.

Patton swallowed, "Okay Logan, that enough-"

Princey stood up, slamming his hands onto the table, causing everyone to jolt.

"No! That's not enough! Anxiety, tell us what is wrong with Thomas! You have to know! You are the literal embodiment of anxiety. God, I care for you, I really do, but why must you lie to us about helping Thomas!? What has he done to you for you to treat him this way?!"

I bit my lip, and kept my eyes open, they were threatening tears and I couldn't risk talking, so I stayed silent, and stood up. Walking towards my room.

I heard footsteps behind me, following me.

"Don't walk away from me Anxiety! Please! I just need to know! I'll forgive you if you let us know!"

I turned abruptly, tears spilling down my face, which caused Princey to go wide eyed and stay still.

"I don't fucking know, Roman! I'm trying to figure it out just as much as you, don't you even stop to think for once?! I love Thomas! I love all of you, the only person I don't love is myself due to what I've been causing, and I don't even know how the fuck I'm causing it! Why don't you just believe me?!"

The prince stood there, completely still, with a hint of hurt in his eyes, I opened my bedroom door, sobbing and lying down on my bed.

This was the beginning.

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This book probably won't be updated as much, but I'm really excited for it!