Better Off In Love (Peterick Au)

How Not to Answer a Phone Call

Patrick's eyes were still wide, his heart racing from the call he'd just hung up from. How hard could it be to tell a guy you've been into for nearly ten years you like him? 

Very, apparently.

He'd messaged Lynn the morning after the party, and she'd filled him in on everything. He wasn't surprised that he'd been kissing Pete (he'd dreamed of doing so since he was about fourteen), he was just a little disappointed he didn't remember it. Something like that should have been special, so he was a little irritated at his drunk self for ruining it, but he was making his peace with it. He half hoped there would be an opportunity to kiss Pete again when they were sober. He had kissed back, after all (Patrick didn't know who'd started it, but you couldn't make out with someone if they weren't kissing you too).

Patrick had come to realise he liked Pete when he was fourteen, around the time that he realised the reason that he'd never had a crush on a girl like so many of his friends had was because he was slightly homosexual. At some point during one of the many sleepovers he'd had with his best friend, he'd looked over at his perfect face and realised that he kind of wanted to kiss him, which even he knew was not normal best friend stuff. It had taken him another year almost, to come out to Pete, and another two years to tell his parents, and the whole time he just pretended that his feelings for Pete weren't there, because it was easier that way, he told himself. It was easier to lose sleep wondering what it'd feel like to link his fingers with Pete's and softly kiss away his tears whenever he was sad. 

As soon as Pete had been dumped by his long time girlfriend Ashlee during senior year, he'd called Patrick over, and he'd held him as he'd cried.

"I wish I was gay, just so I could date you," a tearful Pete had said as he held him in his arms. "You'd never hurt me like this,"

Patrick had hummed in agreement, knowing that Pete had no clue how much he wished the same. He'd always thought there was a slight chance that Pete was queer, because what totally heterosexual guy wears that much eyeliner? But Patrick knew that Pete would probably have come out to him by then if he had figured out that he was into guys. So, once again, he kept his feelings quiet, willing them to disappear and make  his life that bit less complicated. 

After graduation, Patrick had tried to keep communications up with his best friend, but he'd been away at college to get his degree in teaching. They'd Skyped and left each other messages and cute little updates on Facebook, but eventually they both found themselves forgetting to respond more often than not, and Patrick reasoned that maybe minimising contact was just what he needed to get over his silly crush. So instead he just followed him silently on all social media, and went out in the evening to try and find a man with a smile like his, or the same twinkle in his eye. Most nights he'd find himself kissing that night's guy in a grimy bathroom stall before he came to his senses and walked away. He'd gained a bit of a reputation as a tease, but he didn't let that bother him.

It was one of those nights at the bar with his friends, Breezy, Dallon and Ryan that he'd managed to end up signed up to sing karaoke. He wasn't sure exactly which one of them had signed him up, but they all looked very pleased with themselves as he reluctantly made his way up to the stage. He'd belted out a My Chemical Romance song that he'd seen on the song list and it reminded him of listening to it with Pete. The song had been met with thunderous applause, and a man had approached him the same evening, saying he was from Warner records and wanted to sign him. The deal had been made over the next month, and he'd dropped out of college to ride the crazy wave (although it had been more hours and hours of thankless work trying to put together something that the record label cared about, and hoping that someone else out there liked it). Patrick had never expected to become a musician, he just happened to have fallen into it, and so his quiet hobby became his livelihood.

He would never tell anyone, but he'd been going to Pete's gigs for years. He'd been tempted to reach out, let him know he was going, see if he wanted to hang out, anything, but then he always chickened out before he could press send. He'd grown to have an appreciation for punk music from many days spent lounging around in Pete's bedroom with some CD or another playing in the background. The various artists he picked up had become staples in the longingly romantic playlists he used to make and listen to when he wanted to just mope about his unrequited feelings. 

Pete's gigs were spectacularly emo events, and although it was hard to tell from the shadows at the back of the room, it looked like he brought out his old signature eyeliner for these special events. Patrick liked to stay far away from the mosh pit at the front, instead watching the deeply emotive way his old friend delivered the songs, and finding himself helplessly daydreaming about what it'd be like if Pete was singing the songs to him.

He'd lost count of the number of times he'd tried to tell himself to just snap out of it and move on. At this point, the whole thing had been going on for far longer than any healthy crush should, especially considering that he still had no proof Pete had never felt anything like that towards him. Writing songs about the whole thing had been a logical way to get it out of his system, but if anything that had just seemed to intensify his feelings.

Reading about Pete's coming out in an article the morning after the party had left Patrick with a lot of feelings, and a sense of hope. After talking to Lynn, he had even more hope. The tweet had brought it all back up, and then that daytime TV interview... It was all looking for too hopeful.

Patrick kinda wished he had just told Pete that he liked him and that he wanted to kiss him again, but a part of him was still worried he might ruin their friendship. The phone call that was meant to patch up a week of not speaking had only further complicated things, and Patrick suspected it would lead to more than one sleepless night.