The Summer Of 1993 (Book 1)

Coke

Baby it's not what it looks like, I can explain I promise. He explained

to me, He looked scared.

What do you mean it's not what it looks like , It's exactly what it

looks like Chaz. There I no explaination, you are getting high.

Babe look I'm..he started, I cut him off before he could even say

it.

You're what chaz? Your sorry, save it, I said your not sorry so

don't even act like it. How long? I asked.

How long what? He questioned.

How long have you been using? And what exactly are you using?

I asked him again,

Okay.. im just gonna be straight with you, no lying. I care too

much about you to loose you. Just please don't leave, hear me out

before you make any kind of a desisin please! He begged.

Fine! I said sharply.

I stared using when I was bout 9 okay! First it was cigarettes

and alcohol, Then after the alcohol started loosing its effect on me I

went to weed. Then pills, then coke, the meth, and sometimes even

acid or herion.Im not proud of it baby, and I am sorry. Honestly I

should have told you all of this sooner. I'm just all the way around

fucked up, I told you I was bad for you, I just couldn't bring myself to

let you go. There is something about you that is so damn special to

me, I knew it the first time I talked to you in that damn store. I just

didn't want to tell you about all of my problems and scare you away

before you got the chance to really know me, I didn't want to loose

you babe. I was going to tell you baby I promise, I was just waiting for

the right time. I needed to tell you in my own way, when I was ready

and when you were ready to hear all of this. I never wanted you to

find out like this baby, I mean it I am so damn sorry.

He spoke in such a sincere way. I don't know how, but somehow

I knew he meant every single word. I could tell by looking in his tear filled eyes that he truly was sorry. Not necessarily for using the drugs,

but for not telling me and allowing me to find out this way. I knew he

was sorry that he hurt me. I also knew that in time, once we had a

better understanding of each other that he would have told me

himself. Everything about the way he looked and the way he spoke

told me he truly did care for me. Something isn't right here I thought

to myself. Who in the world gets addicted to drugs that young? Why

would some one that young even be doing drugs?

Why did you start using in the first place? I asked him needing

to cure my curiousity.

Babe please, I'm not ready to talk about that part yet. I will tell

you all the details later but I just can't right now I'm sorry, He pleaded

with tears starting to fall from his eyes. I understand if you don't want

to be with me. Hell I wouldn't want to be with a junkie like me either. I

really don't want you to go, but if you do I would never hold it against

you.

Look Chaz, I don't know what all happened, But I do know that

when you are ready, you will tell me what al of this is about. How all

of this started. Until then I wont hassle you about it I promise. I can

tell whatever happened it deeply upsets you, and I can wait for you to

explain it all to me, but I need you to make me a promise right here,

right now! I said very sympathetically.

What's the promise? He asked me.

You have to promise me that you will try to stop using! I said

flatly.

Babe I cant promise you that! He replied.

Why not? I asked

Because I have been trying for years now and I cant stop, He

said getting tense.

Then try harder, I yelled out not buying this shit. I know damn

good and well you can stop. You are such a sweet guy and do so

much to help others, why is it so damn hard for you to help yourself? I asked. I didn't mean to be insensitive or a bitch to him but I wasn't taking this pity party bullshit. I have been around my mother being an

addict most of my life. I understand it is a disease but you have to

fight to win, A drug addiction can be overcome if someone wants it

bad enough. Chaz, baby you have to keep fighthing this. I know you

aren't going to be able to quit overnight or in a few days. But just

because you fuck up once or twice doesn't mean you quit fighting for

it. If you really wann get off this shit you're going to have to stick to it.

If you relapse don't beat yourself up over it, just try harder next time.

I am not asking you to quit cold turkey, im just asking you to slow

down, and try to get this under control. I care about you so much, and

I don't want to see anything happen to you. You are such a strong

person baby, I need you to realize that. You have so much talent, and

you could do so many wonderful things in your life. You could use

that incredible voice of yours to touch millions around the world. It

just takes time babe, you will see one of these days.

Alright, alright babe, I will give it my best shot I promise, he said.

Does that mean you aren't breaking up with me? He asked?

No babe, im not breaking up with you I said. But please chaz

give this an honest shot. I don't wan't you to end up like my mother

dependant on this shit your whole life, making a total ass out of

yourself all the time. Your better than that I said just before tilting his

head up and kissing him on the lips.

Thanks babe, he spoke softly.

For what? I asked.

For being understanding and supportive, even though I really

don't deserve it. It means a lot to me and one day I will make it up to

you he promised as he embraced me and gave me a gentle kiss on

the forehead.